The G-Man News-Stand

Airplane Wars

2005-09-02T09:00:00.000-04:00

I am a fairly frequent flyer and probably am on a plane averaging about once a month. I've flown all around the country as well as several flights throughout Europe. No matter what airline I fly, how long the flight, or what language the flight attendants speak, I go through the same struggles and drama every time.

I try to make it a point to reserve either an isle or a window seat so I can avoid sitting next to more than one person. Now don't get me wrong, I love meeting new people and chatting with random strangers, nothing excites me more. That being said, the extremely close confines of an airplane seat make the act of sitting next to someone a very intimate moment. 99% of the times, romantic sparks are not erupting when I sit down next to the strange, large, business man in seat 27B and being that close to stranger is just not an experience that I appreciate.

The key when you first sit down is establishing position. If you lose that armrest in the first five minutes, consider the flight a waste. I've done extensive studies and the results are clear, without the armrest it is impossible to get comfortable in an airplane seat. The obvious exceptions are if you are allergic to pineapple or enjoy sailing, but how many of us fit into one of those categories? Now I've been preoccupied after sitting down and have forgotten about fighting for the armrest. That's when I usually start the jabbing method. Just slight elbow nudges usually make the person feel so uncomfortable that they may eventually yield you either a portion of the armrest or even the whole thing. If they starting elbowing you back you need to a make a crucial decision to either fight or flee. There's no shame in backing off the battle if you're on a short flight. But if you're going three hours or more, I suggest you prepare for war and win the glory of the armrest. Be warned though, armrest battles can quickly become heated. If you're meeting someone important when you land, it's probably not a great idea to have a broken nose or black eye so pick your battles appropriately.

Something that drives me insane is when people lean back in their seat. As I mentioned above, it is near impossible to get comfortable in an airplane seat. I will add to that by saying that assuming that your seat does not have 180 degree capabilities, the slight lean you can get is no more comfortable than just sitting up straight. We all know that it's not comfortable to do the lean, so why make people like me miserable by taking a chunk of my minimal space away? I will concede that there is a possibility that I am way too considerate of others to put my seat back. In addition, they give you the lean feature so people can use it; it's not there for show. But losing all of my space is killing me. Once the person in front of me leans back, I have to resort to sitting in the fetal position. How is that possible? I have no idea, but somehow I pretzel my body to fit between the small leg space I have left. My first reaction is to kick the seat in front of me with my knee but from experience I know that a leaner will never budge. You're helpless, similar to being an animal trapped in a cage. Throw in the person next to you taking their shoes off and you might as well jump out of the plane. Your chance of survival may be higher.

There are other issues I have with airplanes that perhaps I'll touch on some other time such as the lack of food served, the loud airplane bathroom flush noise, and taking off your shoes to go through security. Until that day, welcome back to the Gman News-stand.

Difficult Conversations

2005-03-21T09:00:00.001-05:00

Find me a more awkward talking situation than being in an elevator with people you don’t know. For whatever reason, people are terrified of chatting with randoms in elevators and it makes the whole elevator ride miserable. Now most of you who know me are well aware that I am a pretty big talker (despite my always quoting Old School by saying “I’m not a talker”) and even I have difficultly once those elevator doors close. Yet I think someone needs to do something about it to start an elevator talking revolution.

It amazes me how uncomfortable being in an elevator can make a group of people. I can be in the most stimulating conversation of my life leading up to the elevator with a group of four people; laughing, talking loudly, enjoying myself. Yet if one person is in the elevator who we don’t know, when the doors close suddenly everyone becomes terrified to even whisper. It’s as if the slightest noise will make that tiny rope holding the elevator snap, crashing the car to the bottom. Every move is carefully orchestrated as to not frighten the other passengers. You stand perfectly still and hope to god that the trip goes as planned and you make it to your floor.

The behavior of people in the elevator is very predictable and goes in a standard textbook routine. A new entrant will begin by eyeing the crowd and seeing if there is any chance of a conversation starting. As is usually the case, most people stare down, frightened to make eye contact with the dangerously silent strangers. Then naturally you begin to drift your attention upwards to watch the numbers light up on the screen in sequence. It’s as if our childhood memories of Sesame Street are reborn as the numbers flash before our eyes and we try to guess which one comes next. A forty-five second ride feels like 90 minutes and you are so relieved to get out of there. When your floor comes up, it’s as if you won the lottery. You half acknowledge the “losers” behind you and you walk out of that elevator down victory lane, proud, thankful, blessed…alive.

I don’t really understand the big deal regarding talking in an elevator. I’m not going to lie and say that I ramble on when I’m in a cramped elevator car. However, I do think everyone would be much happier if people talked more and someone is going to have to step it up for the rest of us. I propose that in order, everyone just mention something interesting about their day: My foot hurts, I was fired today, someone gave me Ebola, I don’t know where I am, anything that can make the patrons feel more comfortable. If you’re feeling up to it, just jump right into a song and dance number, I hear that strangers love singing to calm them down. Maybe start reciting your favorite Brittany Spears song, that really relaxes people as well.

Next time you’re in an elevator, think about the other people and just start blabbing away. You’ll feel better, they’ll feel better, and maybe you’ll meet someone new and interesting.

Everything's Going to be OK

2005-03-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while since we've had consistent posting going on here at the The G-Man News-Stand. I've been receiving concerned emails and phone calls asking me why the site isn't being updated everyday lately. Let me take a moment to respond to some of the rumors floating around right now and calm everyone's worries.

I have not been sick, severely beaten, lost, put in prison, deported, or recently found out I'm pregnant. Unfortunately I've just been very busy lately between working, having a social life, and being active. But does this mean that The G-Man News-Stand is done? Absolutely not, because Goonies never say die. I actually still don't know what that really meant or what a Goonie is, but that's not the issue here. We'll start getting the comedy rolling again eventually and some funny routines up and running.

For those of you who feel there lives have not been complete for the past 2 weeks of non-regular postings, I understand your pain. For those of you who felt I have broken your hearts for not posting everyday, grab a tissue and cry on the shoulder of the person sitting next to you. For those of you who hate my site and don't think I'm funny...I don't have anything clever to say to you, stop being so angry.

Hit up the site sometime tomorrow for a new funny routine. Four days till the weekend, be strong.

Major Breakthrough

2005-03-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

There are very few inventions that you can honestly anticipate changing your life. I presume that the day the refrigerator was introduced, that probably turned a lot of heads. Jet airliners which could transport passengers had to have been another one of those, “the world will never be the same” inventions. The creation of the computer and internet transformed business and communication forever. Yesterday, I officially called and ordered another invention which may change my life forever. Am I nervous for the future and what is in store for me? Of course, but I’m ready to embrace this invention and live a better life. I’m tired of living in the past; it’s time to move on.

At 8:45pm, I officially ordered a Digital Video Recorder from Time Warner Cable for my television. Basically, that’s a fancy name for an imitation of Tivo that you just pay a few extra dollars a month for and you can record any show you want. I’ve been talking about ordering it for a long time and now that I’ve done it, I feel like I can take on the world. It was a rough adventure, they put me on hold for about 15 minutes but I fought through the urge to quit. I knew that if I just held myself together for a little longer, a representative would come on the line and make it all better. So I persevered and made it through the holding phase, ordered the DVR service and scheduled an appointment for Saturday between the hours of 12 and 4. I’ll get into that window of service shortly.

Many of you out there who know me might be asking yourself, “Gary…why would you ever get the DVR if you don’t really watch TV?” That’s a valid question, one I have been thinking about since I ordered the service. It is true, the only show I actually watch on television is the show 24 and recently reruns of Family Guy. But that doesn’t mean I can’t turn over a new leaf and become a real couch potato. At the very least, I can finally attempt to prove my theory that the show Golden Girls can be found on some channel 24 hours a day. Who would ever want to miss out on those quick antics of Sophia, the 60 year old slutty thing going on with Blanche, Rose and her Homer-esk replies…and Dorothy, she’s just kind of boring, but as a whole, what a show, what a group of ladies. And I’m sure I’ll catch on to watch some new programs out there that I’ve been hearing so much about. I can’t name them right now, but they’re out there.

The installment window does bother and confuse me. I asked if sometime Saturday morning the representative who will change my cable box between the hours of 12 and 4 could call and give me a heads’ up on when he will arive. They did not appear to like that idea, probably because that would make my life easier. Who doesn’t want to just sit at home waiting for some stranger during a 4 hour window? I swear that if this person comes around 4, I expect more than just a changing of my cable box. For that amount of waiting, I require the cable box changed, a 3 course meal prepared, maybe a song and dance number as well. I should just pull a Kramer and leave a note on my apartment door saying, “Sorry, you must have just missed me. But I’ll be back between the hours of 3 and 6 so I’ll see you soon.”

So if you talk to me or see me after Saturday, expect a new Gary walking around. I might not increase the amount of time I put in or programs I watch on television, but at least I could if I wanted to. And that makes all the difference.

Getting to the Gym

2005-03-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

Part of the lifestyle of living in Manhattan involves going to the gym. Just about everyone has a gym membership somewhere, whether you go to the gym on a regular basis is a whole other story. Some use the gym as a social atmosphere where there are tons of young people to meet. Others go strictly for working out purposes and have no interests in talking to anyone. There are many reasons why you go to the gym; it’s just a matter of having the strength to get over there.

I’ve read many publications which go into details about the benefits of exercise and weight lifting. The most common payoff to working out according to many fitness experts is a relief of stress. As an on-and-off regular to going to the gym, let me state my strong opposition to this alleged benefit. Don’t get me wrong, when I go to the gym and finish a workout I feel great. I shower up and go home feeling excited and proud of myself. Rather than waste my time and be unproductive, I got the chance to exercise and be healthy. My confidence goes up and my stress level goes down. So why do I think that the gym increases stress? Well the scenario I just described only works if you actually make it to the gym. Leading up to that point, all I was thinking about all day was excuses to not go to the gym.

The common person wakes up with a game plan of going to work then hitting the gym. Somewhere near the end of work, I start thinking about any possible excuse I can use to get out of exercising: My back hurts, I have some phone calls to make, today was the day I’m possibly meeting others for dinner, it’s cold out, today is Tuesday, I coughed yesterday, etc. Anything that can convince me that it is a bad idea to go to the gym will do and then I enter the stages of guilt. I start feeling bad for myself and maybe get a little nauseous. Then the cold sweat begins and you start making promises to yourself you can’t keep: I’ll go tomorrow, I wouldn’t get much done today anyway, I can do sit-ups while I watch TV, my roommate is working out for the two of us etc. I think I burn more calories thinking about going to the gym than I do at the gym itself. In the end of it all whether I guilt myself into going to the gym or stay home, I feel terrible, I’m stressed out, and I probably would have been better off just not having a gym membership at all.

Sometimes I get so close to going to the gym but then I give up at the last second. I’ll be coming home from work and have a game plan that I’m going to go into my apartment, change real quickly, then get to the gym. You change into shorts and a T-shirt and you’re all ready to go, then something interesting sounds from the television. Since this could be the most important telecast in broadcasting history, you make the biggest mistake of all; you sit down for “a second” just to see what was on TV. That turns into a three hour sit-down followed by ordering dinner and going to the gym becomes a faint memory. A few hours later when you come out of your trance, you remember that game plan of hitting up the gym and you go through the stages of guilt once again. But that damn couch is just so comfortable and enticing; it’s hard to blame yourself sometimes.

After this whole routine I still haven’t gotten into actually being inside the gym. Perhaps later this week or next week I’ll have a follow-up on strange behaviors in the gym because there are a ton of them. Don’t have a case of the Mondays today, be strong.

Menu Madness

2005-03-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

When you think about ordering food in Manhattan, the first thing that probably crosses your mind is the thousands of restaurants in the city. There are so many choices to order from that you may think that the decision of where to eat is near impossible. Choosing a place to eat is extremely difficult but it’s not from the options out there.

After living in the city for a year and a half, I have learned that there are basically four options when ordering food: Chinese, Sushi, Deli, and other stuff. How is it possible that of all the genres out there we are left with these four? I can pin it down to one general reason. Everyday when I come home from work, there are anywhere between one and four delivery menus in my apartment. The local restaurants pay their delivery people to walk around apartment buildings and drop their menu under the door. When I first moved into the city, I thought this was the best concept ever. I didn’t even have to leave my apartment to select the take out menus I wanted; they would just appear every day. But 5 menus turned to 15. And 15 grew to 45. Now, I have a stack of 400 menus sitting in a drawer, some places having 3 or 4 of their menus representing. I guess the logic is that if you get the menu in the apartment, there’s a small probability that you will select their menu. Once I make the difficult decision of selecting Chinese, Sushi, Deli, or other stuff, then it’s down to sorting through the hundreds of menus I have and picking a place. After a while, they all start sounding the same, the prices are all in the same range, and very little distinguishes one from the other. For a restaurant to be selected by me to order from, it’s kind of like them winning the lotto. The grand payoff of this lottery, $8.50 for my Sweet and Sour Chicken Dinner Special but they earned it with their hard menu handing out strategy.

For some strange reason, the “other stuff” restaurants have not figured out the menu dropping strategy. So we’re all clear on what makes up the category, other stuff is comprised of many different genres such as Mexican, Pizza, Italian, and whatever else might be near your neighborhood. In my stack of 400 menus in my apartment, I think I have two Mexican menus both from the same place, one pizza menu for the infamous Pizza 33 which is very overrated, and maybe a Tai Food place. The key to winning the “where is Gary ordering from sweepstakes” is to get at least one entry in the game. You can’t win if you don’t play. It’s kind of like the NBA lottery; having more “balls” in selecting who gets the first overall pick gives you a better chance of winning. Same thing in ordering food, the more menus you have in the better chance you have of me picking it. The major problem with this analogy is that in the NBA, it’s the worst team in the league with the best chance. I’d hate to think that all this time I’ve been picking the worst and most unsanitary Chinese restaurants in the city just because they’re dropping a ton of menus under my door. But if they are, I’d have to say that I’m impressed with the effort and they earned my business.

Although this routine appears to be praise towards the menus under my door, it actually drives me nuts always walking into my apartment and stepping on menus. Eventually, I’m going to start blacklisting the restaurants who continually feed me menus. And I would love to catch those people in the act one day, just so I could hand him the 30 menus he’s littered in my apartment over the past year. Why should I throw out his garbage, he should take care of it himself. That’s all I have for now on food delivery, I think three routines is enough.

Care to Share?

2005-03-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite parts of going to a meal with friends is splitting an appetizer. I love appetizer foods and if they weren’t the unhealthiest foods ever, I’d probably consider getting them for the meal instead. So when I’m with a group of people, I look forward to ordering an appetizer for the table to get my fix. But what happens when sharing certain appetizers goes bad?

Now everyone out there loves to eat nachos, especially when there’s all kinds of stuff piled on top like cheese, chicken, sauces, etc. However, in all of my years of nacho eating, I have never come across a time when the cheese was equally distributed over the entire plate of nachos. This is where the issues come in to play because everyone wants that big lump of cheese. The question is who is clever and strong enough to make the move to get it first. You have many different types of food sharing people: those that just don’t care and attack the plate no matter who gets hurt and others that are more passive and wait for an opportunity to get that big chip with tons of cheese and other stuff on it. There’s potential for a lot of broken hearts when the “nacho bully” comes around, grabs that huge chip with the large piece of cheese hanging on it you’ve been eyeing and leaves just naked chips left on the plate. And then there’s that one chip sitting in the middle that looks all innocent but happens to be connected to 17 other chips, thus giving that lucky person the majority of the food. There needs to be some kind of appetizer sharing etiquette. I’ve seen friendships end and families torn apart from bad appetizer sharing experiences.

Another issue to consider is when there’s one chip or chicken wing left on the plate. Everyone wants to eat it but no one wants to look too selfish. The most textbook move is to ask everyone “do you want the last one?” because of course no one is going to say, “yeah, it’s mine.” The person who asks the questions is always the person who will get to eat it. As an accountant, I’m all for doing some kind of formula for a distribution based on the number of pieces of food remaining, the amount everyone has eaten thus far, potential dinners on their way, and an X-factor of people I like best. I’ll have to crunch some numbers and see if I can come up with something that makes sense. Along the same lines, if you’re on a date, as a man are you required to give the woman the last piece? I don’t think so, especially if the guy is paying. Woman can show their appreciation by letting your hungry guy get that last mozzarella stick, it goes a long way.

So next time you’re all eyeing down the last cheese-filled nacho or fighting over the final french fry, consider your appetizer etiquette. A small sacrifice now can pay off big in the long run.

The Blackout

2005-02-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

There are many potential immediate side effects from a night of drinking. People have experienced the punishment called hangovers. Some get headaches, feel sick, get the spins and go through other miserable experiences when waking up the morning after. I would personally take all of those possible morning penalties over the worst of them all…The Blackout. People who have black spots from the night before think they have it good, but little do they know the dangers of blacking out. That’s why I’ve decided to explain what The Blackout is all about and help you prepare to identify it and best protect yourself.

Webster’s dictionary defines Blacking Out as the act of blacking out. Let me elaborate by explaining that Blackouts involve short-term memory loss of a piece of, or the entire preceding night. Your average run-of-the-mill Blackout will usually allow the subject to recall the earlier stages of the drinking experience but can’t remember anything after a certain part of the evening. The major issue with Blacking Out isn’t the brain damage which you might have or your liver failure but the potential that you offended someone the night before or did something you shouldn’t have and can’t remember doing it. Every moment knocks off precious minutes to make that apology phone call or bracing yourself for an ass whooping by whoever. I know that I’ve woken up a few times and felt like I’m in the movie Memento, trying desperately to piece together my evening to figure out what adventure I’d been in. The best advice I can give is to stay calm, take some deep breaths and try to think like a detective for a little bit.

The key to figuring out where you’ve been and what you did is to start looking for clues right when you wake up, every second is crucial. Start by trying to identify your surroundings. Are you in your bedroom or your own apartment? Is this your neighbors place? Are you on a front lawn somewhere or at a stranger’s house? All are key questions to begin the unfolding process. Next, start to look around and see who’s there. Do you recognize the person sleeping next to you? Are there a bunch of people lying on the floor? Is the person sitting next to you in the drunk tank touching you? Finally, start taking inventory of yourself; see if there are any scars or noticeable marks that can uncover a clue. Passing out in your clothes is the best sign, that probably means you were just too drunk to change. If you have a few knife wounds, you were probably in a dangerous fight you didn’t belong in. Claw marks or bites can indicate that a wild animal attacked you, like a bear or tiger, which is common in Manhattan. Finally comes the crucial decision of running away or staying put. If it’s your own apartment, I advise you stay put. If you know you shouldn’t be where you are, don’t want to be where you are, or still have no clue where you are, I advise running away quickly and going home. Or at the least, catch a bus or train home from whatever state you’ve ended up in.

The key is practice and the more times you Blackout, the easier it gets to piece together the night. So listen up kids and start learning how to brace yourself for Blackouts now so you can be more prepared when you’re in a time crunch situation a few years down the road.

Tough Guys?

2005-02-25T09:00:00.000-05:00

I have always been very proud of the state of New York of which I was born and raised. Now that I’m living in Manhattan, I have a ton of pride towards my new home and could not see myself living anywhere else in the country. We have great sports teams (although I hate the Yankees, I do respect their tradition and wins), an unbelievable nightlife, and it is the center of the Universe for business. Tons of movies have been made about New York, generally giving our city an image of being full of tough guys: Goodfellas, A Bronx Tale, The Untouchables, Analyze This, and The Soprano family lives just over the bridge. New Yorkers love being portrayed as tough and having that “I don’t take nothing from nobody” attitude. That being said, I am shocked at how scared and pathetic New Yorkers get when it snows out.

Since as early as I can remember, New York was never able to handle snow. When I was in elementary school, the district would close down the schools a day early for the chance that it might snow tomorrow. If it snows in the city, all public transportation stops immediately. It’s not like the fact that it snows in New York should surprise anyone, we are in the Northeastern part of the United States. Is the state government under the impression that we live in a Puerto Rican climate and snow is a freak occurrence? Every year it snows and mass hysteria breaks out, this is nothing new. I lived in Indiana and they never had snow problems. If 5 feet of snow came down, we still had classes and people drove faster for fun. But not New York, it’s a state-wide emergency if there’s a 2% chance that it might snow.

Yesterday morning, reports came out that it was going to snow later that afternoon and everyone was talking about a huge storm coming our way. It was as if the cold war started again, people were running to the stores to get enough food and supplies to last through the blizzard, children were crying and screaming, people took off work early. I had plans for yesterday around 7 which were cancelled at lunchtime because of the dangers of traveling in the snow storm which is supposed to start in a few hours. If anyone actually listened to the weather report and “severe” storm warnings, they might read that we were only expecting around 5-7 inches of total snow. I think the final total in the city was 4 inches when the storm ended. For a city which fought off a 200 foot ape when King Kong climbed the Empire State Building and houses more potential mafia people than anywhere in the world, we sure get frightened by a few inches of frozen water. I’ve seen the movie Godzilla and when he attacked Manhattan, I don’t remember the 4,5,6 subway line being shut down. However, a couple of snowflakes fall and we have to shut down the bus system immediately.

So to all you New Yorkers out there who become little school girls when it snows, toughen up. We’re suppoed to be the “How you doin?” city. Not the “I’m doing just fine! My brother-in-law picked me up from the airport and everyone’s been real nice!” city. Step it up, be tough, and lets try to act the way the rest of the world thinks we should.

Pets

2005-02-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

Throughout my childhood, I’ve always had a pet or two to keep me company. I had three dogs in my lifetime when I was living on Long Island, Pepper, Butch, and Cookie. They were fun company and were wonderful animals with the exception of Butch who was legitimately insane. Since I went to college I have not had any pets and now that I’m living in Manhattan, I don’t anticipate starting. Having a dog in the city must be the worst experience ever. For all of you Midwesterners and non-New Yorkers out there, you need to understand that there is literally no grass in the majority of Manhattan. That means that if a dog urinates or takes a #2, you have to clean up after it. Also, NYC apartments are relatively small and the dog has nowhere to run around all day. It’s not an ideal place for a pet, however I understand why people have them.

In New York, there is one reason and one reason only to have a dog and that is to meet people. It is such a pain in the ass to maintain a pet in New York, but everyone knows that if you walk a dog around Manhattan, within the first 5 minutes someone will stop to pet your dog. This is a proven fact and works without fail. There are people in NY who will walk their dog around 14 times a day for the chance of meeting a new girl. The dog loves it because it’s not in the cramped apartment all day and the guy loves it because he’s guaranteed to meet someone. Guys are willing to pick up the poop of a dog with a smile on his face just for this opportunity.

Gary on the other hand is not big on handling feces, taking care of pets, or feeding them. There are times when I’m too lazy to get off the couch to feed myself, let alone a living animal. Plus, what can a dog really do for me? I have plenty of best friends, and dogs can’t clean, talk, or fix things. I want a pet that’s really going to pitch in with cleaning, cooking, and other chores around the apartment. Luckily, I’ve put plenty of thought into this and have limited my options down to two possible pets, one slightly more controversial than the other. The two “animals” I would like to have living in the city is either a small monkey or an Oompa Loompa.

Monkeys are just as adorable as dogs and can help out around the house. I’m sure you can train them to clean, maybe do some light cooking. When you walk a monkey you know the girls would love it and give you plenty of attention, plus they can probably feed themselves. More importantly, monkeys are known to enjoy throwing their feces around. Why not teach it to throw their feces in a NYC trashbin? The benefits here are immeasurable.

The major drawback I see is that the efficiency and effectiveness of the monkey are pretty much limited to simple tasks and as far as I’m aware, they can’t talk. That’s why Oompa Loompas would probably make the best pets. I’ve heard that the Oompa Loompa population has been steadily growing over the past 3 years in the jungles of Santiago, Chile. You can order them online and they come within 4 business days in a big box. I’ve heard that Oompa Loompas are gourmet chefs, can be potty trained within a week or two, and don’t make too much noise. Something that might become irritating after a while is that the Oompa Loompas communicate through song, so getting a straight answer out of them can be challenging. However, they’re known to ponder many deep thoughts while they’re singing to you which can be interesting. I think all Oompa Loompas are training in philosophy or something like that. Now I’m not sure that females would be too impressed while you’re walking your Oompa Loompa on a leash since they’re not too attractive and are kind of freaky looking. However, your Oompa Loompa can serve as a great golf caddie if you get one who is tall enough, so it makes up for it in other ways.

So there you have it, a monkey or Oompa Loompa is the Manhattan pet that I am looking to get. All the other animals out there just don’t do it for me. Good luck finding something more useful around the house and is easier to take care of.

Official Archive Day

2005-02-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

I was too busy the last two nights to put together a routine that I thought was funny enough so today, I'm going to shade out and call it an archive day. Just like Chapelle Show has a "Best Of" show, here at The G-Man News-Stand, we're doing the same.

Take the time to go back and review some of those stories you missed. The Valentine's Day and Valentine's Day warm-ups were very well received. I thought the bit about texting was very informative and helpful. Or maybe you'd prefer a blast from the past and read my plug for taking up smoking? And of course, who can forget the White Pants?

I'm going to update the G-Man Favorites section on the right hand side of the page and need your feedback. All of the routines listed above as well as a few others are up for consideration of this amazing honor to be a G-Man Favorite story. If you think any should be removed, replaced, or which routine deserves to go on the Favorites listing, let us know.

So with the best avoidance of writing a routine I've done yet, have fun reading old stuff and expect a funny routine Thursday and Friday.

Hallmark Cards

2005-02-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

The act of giving someone a present is a very self-fulfilling process. It’s great to see the look on their face, the excitement…the magic. Sometimes going out and buying the gift is a fun experience as well. Could provide a few laughs and entertainment while you ponder in a store all of the possibilities. Buying the card for the gift…that just might be the worst experience ever and I might officially quit giving cards for any holiday or birthday from here on out.

Now I guess I can almost understand giving a Hallmark card if you need to mail something or can’t be present for the event. However, if you are physically going to be handing the present to the person and they will open it immediately, can’t we do without the card? It’s not like I will hand a person a gift and they’ll be like “Wow, I wonder who this one is from?” You know who the box is coming from, I just handed it to you. But no, the rules of society say that we need to lay down $4.75 for a regular sized Hallmark card to give a little explanation why we are giving a gift. Are there people out there who on their Birthday start doubting themselves and think that it might be Christmas? Or maybe sometimes the cards that start with “To my dad…” are there to remind the person what their relationship is. “Hmmm…Oh yeah, this is my son, not my grandmother.” Plus, there is so much pressure with the card being opened right in front of you; this whole process needs to stop.

I’ve wasted so much time roaming the rows of potential Hallmark cards trying to find one that perfectly “fits me.” The key is finding that one diamond in the rough that isn’t too corny, makes you giggle, and won’t completely humiliate you when a person reads it in front of you. So you go up and down the rows giving the cards practice reads, testing them on people, analyzing each word. You try to visualize yourself giving the card to the person and anticipate the reaction. In the end, the entire process takes around 1-3 hours but you do feel a slight sense of accomplishment when you finally pick a card. You took a near impossible task of looking through hundreds of cards in front of you to find the one that truly completes the gift giving process.

Now here’s some bad news that you don’t want to hear but I’m going to lay it down anyway. I’m pretty sure that most people don’t care what’s in the card and once they get it start thinking about how long they are obligated to keep it on display. The person who received the card knows that this person probably spent tons of time looking for the perfect card. But how long can you really keep a Peanuts character card reminding you that you are old out on the kitchen counter? People giving the cards become so emotionally attached to the card they give that you have to be very careful. Maybe there should be a direct correlation between the time people spend looking for cards and how long you must hold on to it. So if you searched for a card for 30 minutes, you jot that fact on the inside of the card and the recipient keeps it on display for a day and 10 minutes. If you looked for the card for 5 days, the recipient will keep your birthday card for 3 months. It’s that simple, just give us some kind of formula to fix the card keeping etiquette.

If you work for Hallmark in the writing department and are reading this, please try harder. I think the majority of the writers gave up trying to be humorous somewhere in the mid 90’s. Actual funny cards would probably change everything but until then, we’ll keep looking for the best we can find and hope for the best. On a side note, this article once again proves my theory that Hallmark controls the world.

Presidents' Day

2005-02-22T08:30:00.000-05:00

Hey Jimmy, do you love Presidents' Day?

Of course he does. He's doing his Presidents' Day dance!

That's right, today is Presidents' Day. It's an interesting Holiday because there's no real way to celebrate it. Fourth of July, we know to blow things up. Valentine's Day, we send flowers and chocolate. Thanksgiving, we eat until we are completely spent. For New Year's Eve, we do the same as Thanksgiving except replace the "eat" with "drink" and replace "spent" with "throwing up." But how to you appropriately celebrate Presidents' Day?

Well, I don't think anyone really has a clue. If you go by television commercials, it seems that if you're not buying a car on Presidents' Day, you're a complete idiot. As a Manhattan resident, I don't need a car nor can I afford one, but after watching commercial after commercial telling me how much I can save buying a new Ford truck, I'm strongly considering it.

From what I've learned after doing some internet research, Presidents' Day is the celebration of the birthday of President Washington and President Lincoln. Now I don't know how they used to celebrate birthdays back in the 1700s and 1800s, but I do have a good idea how our current President may celebrate. Lets try to enjoy the former Presidents' b-days like it's their birthday in 2005. Send out the evites, line up the shots, and wish the Presidents' Happy Birthday in the way we know best...by drinking ourselves stupid. Now if you're going to celebrate properly you'll do the shots they deserve by drinking their age, somewhere around 500 or so shots if you drink for both Presidents. Sure, you make drink yourself dead, but at least you're being truly patriotic and celebrating the birthday of the Presidents like you would your own.

So whether your sleeping-in, working, skiing, or drinking, have a Happy Presidents' Day and find some time today to thank our troops.

Starting Early

2005-02-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

It’s been a long week, you’ve been working hard and late, and Friday has finally approached us. Since you’ve had your eye on going out all week, you feel a sense of excitement and anticipation. All that hard work and dedication does not go unrewarded tonight when you begin your evening and start drinking a few adult beverages. I’ve been thinking about Friday happy hour since Tuesday afternoon and I’m pumped to go out drinking with some friends. Despite being excited for hitting the bars on a Friday afternoon, a vision has crept into my mind which makes me more than a little nervous. What is the vision you ask? It’s a picture of myself, after drinking more than a few adult beverages, piss-drunk and blacked out, eating late night McDonalds. I’m nervous that I might have a small problem.

I’ve actually done some homework by looking through some medical research manuals and found out that the proper terminology for this type of behavior is “Preemptive Shitfaced.” Sorry for the language but that is what the scientists and doctors are calling it. I have had many a days viewing myself getting wasted hours before going out and I think I am subject to this condition. But the question I’m asking myself and the readers out there should as well is, “does this mean I have a drinking problem?”

After minutes and minutes of pondering, I determined that I do not have a drinking problem. Alcoholism can be identified by spotting a few indicators. Try to apply these to yourself and see if you have a problem if you just get Preemptive Shitfaced. Firstly, do you drink alone? I have never come home after a long days work and drank my own vat of liquor. I’ll actually rarely have a beer alone. That being said, if I invite one person over, that makes it fair game to get out the funnel (beer bong for you Midwesterners), line up the shots, and start going to town. Do you drink everyday? I refuse to drink on Sundays and sometimes even Mondays. I know people out there who would attach an IV of vodka to their body on a Monday night if it was sociably acceptable; those are the people with problems. Finally, do you replace dinner with a liquid meal? Well, I won’t lie to the readers out there; I do drink many of my meals on the weekend and especially Friday nights. Looking ahead to this Friday night, I already know that I’m starting at a happy hour and there’s a 95% I won’t be eating dinner. Now I know what everyone’s thinking, “Gary, there’s a lot of vitamins, nutrients, and protein in beer. Plus, isn’t lite beer on the Atkins diet?” I hear your cries but rumor has it that it’s not great for you to replace meals with beer. And if you think a loophole is having a fruity drink to get your vitamins, I’ve looked into it and I don’t think it works. Kids, eat your food and vegetables, it’s good for you.

So one out of three isn’t too bad and it’s official that I do not have a drinking problem. I just enjoy spending quality time, drinking a couple beverages with good company. Anyone out there who is already Preemptive Shitfaced, I feel you and start counting down the hours. Have a good weekend, especially those of you getting off for President’s Day.

Cell Dangers

2005-02-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

If there’s one thing I can’t leave my apartment with every morning, it’s definitely my cell phone. If I forget my keys, my doorman can let me in later. Forgot my money? I’ll stop at an ATM later. Not wearing any pants? I’ll buy some new ones on the way. But the day you leave without your cell phone, all hell breaks loose. The panic settles in immediately, fear overtakes your body. You feel naked and alone, lost in a jungle with no way out. I know that I am so dependent on my cell phone that if it broke down or I lost it, I might as well jump out a window because I’m worthless. The cell phone is in my opinion the best technological development of all time. But sometimes you just have to look past the convenience of a technological advancement to see the harm it is actually doing to people.

What harm am I talking about? Let me tell you a little something about Gary in the mid to late 90s. Prior to my cell phone days I knew everyone’s phone number. I didn’t even need a write down numbers in a phone book because I had it all stored upstairs. I was like the Rainman, I can tell you your phone number, your neighbors phone number, your phone number if you lived in 3 counties over, your cousin’s phone number, a homeless person’s phone number backwards…everything. For fun, I’d study the yellow pages so I knew every Nassau County number by heart. In 1996, I was the runner-up in the New York State amateur phone number guessing competition. For the record, I lost in a heated match against a 15 year old who was doping and his name was released in Canseco’s book. But once I got a cell phone, an interesting trend developed. Rather than jam another 10 digits in my head, I’d type the number into my phone, just to see what would happen.

Before I knew it, all of my numbers were stored in my cell. I stopped memorizing all numbers, deleted the numbers formerly in my head by drinking massive quantities of beer, and became completely dependent on my phone. It wasn’t until my first cell phone crash till I realized how screwed I really was. Now fast forward a few years to the present. I have completely lost the ability to memorize any number whatsoever. I can barely remember my age, what year it is, how tall I am, my apartment address, everything. The cell phone has destroyed my memorizing abilities and I am forever ruined because of it.

A second harm that I would quickly like to write about is the harm it can do to other people. Now many of you won’t believe me but I’m going to fill you in on the real reason why you can’t use a cell phone on an airplane. The story they want you to believe is that it interferes with the plane equipment and signals. The truth is that when a plane is flying at such high altitudes, using a cell phone can make someone’s head explode one out of five times. The cell signal combined with the air pressure cause people’s heads to literally combust and blow up. If you think I’m kidding, try making a cell phone call next time you’re in the air. Before you can finish your conversation, the pilot will get on the intercom and scream, “Who is using a cell phone?!? The co-pilots head just exploded!!” Now if that isn’t harmful, I don’t know what is.
So I have no memory of numbers and the next time I take a flight somewhere, my head may burst. Many of you will argue that I can’t remember anything because I drink way too much. To that I have no comment, but I’m sticking to blaming it on t

Move It Along

2005-02-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

I’ve heard it be termed as a sanctuary, their office, shop, confession, and other ridiculous terms. Supposedly, going to the bathroom is a time for thought and reflection. I know people read Newspapers in the bathroom, talk on their cell phone, play games on their handheld devices, and other activities to just “get away” from it all. You feel safe while sitting in the most defenseless position possible and no one can bother you. I however am not one who subscribes to these beliefs.

I know many people who look forward to their bathroom experiences and plan their day around it. They save up a Newspaper to read, schedule phone calls around it, book 25 minutes in their planners, and so on. My roommate, The Angriest Man Alive, has a routine where he comes home from work, strips down to his boxers and a T-Shirt, and then attacks the bathroom with a new magazine for at least a half-hour. I may be alone on this but I am not a big fan of going to the bathroom to do a number two. I’m usually pretty busy and don’t have time to sit for 30 minutes on the toilette to read a paper. It amazes me why people feel the need to sit around after doing their “business” (which can be accomplished in the first 3 minutes) just to continue reading or to be alone. Mind you that there is literally a piece of feces sitting below gaining smell momentum. Aren’t there more clean environments to finish reading that article? I’m an in and out guy and that’s what I want to encourage to the masses.

By conducting interviews and doing extensive research on what people would classify as their “dream bathroom,” I’ve come up with a few common trends that the masses generally want to see in the stalls. Many subjects want a magazine rack with new magazines and newspapers, a television, phone on the wall, handicap bars, etc. Don’t people realize that all of these things just make your bathroom experience longer? I just don’t see the purpose. Firstly, I do not think I want to read a magazine or newspaper after it’s been touched by 30 strangers using the toilette earlier that day. Just doesn’t seem too sanitary. As far as the phone or a television goes, why can’t you just watch tv or call people after going to the bathroom? I know it’s an outrageous idea but ponder it for a second, it makes sense. And the handicap bars…I’m not really sure why that goes into a dream bathroom but I guess they look pretty cool and serves some purpose that I’m not aware of. I’ll agree to keep those in.

Let me tell you what I want to see in the bathroom. Since I like to be fairly efficient, lets put something in the stall that can help you kill two birds with one stone, is not very fun, and will help move people in and out so lines don’t build up. Lets install a small, face-sized mirror to the wall. Right below the mirror, we can have a dispenser of dental floss. No one likes to floss but it is important and when’s a better time to do it than when you’re just sitting around doing “nothing.” By the time you finish flossing, you’ll probably be done relieving yourself, tired from that intensive work flossing requires, and ready to move on.

Rather than continue to rant on bathroom behavior, I want to ask something that I do not understand. It’s possible that I’m just slow but maybe others are having similar problems as me. Now for the record, I prefer to lay toilette paper down on the seat rather than use those pre-made seat covers. Why? Because I don’t understand the covers. If they come in the horseshoe-shape then I get the general idea, no problem. However, more often I’ll come across the full circle toilette seat covers. I’m never sure if you’re just supposed to lay the whole thing down or rip out your own section before laying it down. Then sometimes you get the circle-style toilette seat covers with the middle section still in there. Do you leave that middle part attached to act as some kind of mechanism for easy entry or do you rip that off too? It’s so confusing and when you’re in a race against the clock to use the bathroom, these are not questions you want to ponder. Plus, I’m a business guy, not an arts-ann-crafts specialist. Either give me something that makes sense and works without effort or get those covers out of there.

So to conclude, let me give some advice for the kids out there. While you’re young, don’t get into a habit of reading or wasting time in the bathroom. Before you know it, 45 minutes of your day is allocated to an activity which can take a roundtrip total of 4 minutes. Learn from me.

Supermen

2005-02-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

As an accountant, I do not work in a very dangerous profession. It's a safe, quiet industry and you will very rarely see us making the news for anything other than business-related stuff. I've never read anything in the papers about how an accountant saved someone's life, discovered plutonium or was attacked at work by escaped zoo animals. Nope, it's a conservative field with low-risk and high reward. Yet there is a dangerous profession out there that we come in contact everyday and these risk-takers are not getting the due credit they deserve. They are the delivery guys who ride bicycles in Manhattan and by far are the bravest people I have ever seen. In an effort to get people their food as fast as possible, delivery people will ride their bikes at the speed of light, fighting through traffic, weather, danger, and potential injury or death. I've written about delivery people before in reference to the massive tips they get, now lets look at their training and motivation.

There's some kind of hidden delivery guy code that you just do whatever it takes to get to your destination. They pretend like they don't speak much English and can't understand traffic laws, but I'm convinced that it's a front and they are some of the brightest minds in the world. I've seen these lunatics go through red lights, dodge busses, run over people, whatever it takes. For their full tip of $2.28, they're willing to risk their lives and those around them. Sometimes you just have to sit back and respect the effort they're putting forth. I wouldn't't go as far as to call them Supermen, but they're dancing on that line.

I have a vision about a Delivery Man Academy somewhere outside of Manhattan where these people go to train. It's very similar to the "Farm" where the CIA is trained, isolated and top secret. Stores recruit their delivery guys from all around the world, some are former cyclists, military, chef's, and the most qualified and daring delivery people ever. They're put on a strict diet, weight lifting regiment, and are trained in high-speed bike riding tactics. These "soldiers" are put through hell to be able to handle all of the potential disasters that can happen. Judging from what I've seen on the streets, the training exercise when they practice getting knocked off their bikes by speeding busses has to be the most difficult. The first few times must be pretty painful but then you start to get the hang of it and you bounce right back up, food in hand, ready to get back on the bike to deliver. I'm fairly confident that if I got knocked off a bicycle at 50 miles per hour by a NYC bus going 80, my life would probably be over. But not these warriors, they just shake it off, scream something no one can understand, and keep on going.

I presume running over innocent patrons is also a tough lesson plan for them to pick up. I have almost been ran over so many times by these nutjobs that I'm convinced that they're intentionally gunning for me. They ride through such crowded streets and sidewalks that their chance of an accident per trip has to be around 70%. I thought about their mentality, and the key for success is making split decisions and sticking to it. For example, when there's a group of people in your way and you have to run over someone, choose the oldest and frailest because they can easily be ran over, might not remember it, can't fight back, and will probably not hurt your delivery time too much.

So I would like to solute these brave men for tempting ultimate death to get me my turkey sandwich. For the few times I felt that my life was at risk, I forgive you. Thanks for the effort and keep on trucking.

Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

We’ve been dreading the day since February 15, 2004 and here we are, another Valentine’s Day upon us. This weekend really gave me a chance to think about the holiday and what it means to me. Currently being single, I went through the same emotional roller coaster that everyone single goes through: It’s starts with anger which turns to envy, the envy will grow into a rage, then relief followed by cold sweats, and finally acceptance. We know we can’t avoid the holiday, the best thing to do is just let it be and hope it goes by quickly.

Just for the record, I don’t know who started Valentine’s Day, how the day originated, or why we celebrate it but I do know this, a man did not invent this day. The most obvious clue is in the selection of the colors. Back in the old days, there must have teams of female scientists and psychologists conducting experiments and performing extensive research to determine which colors can truly break a man down. I’m sure that after years of testing, the women made a breakthrough in discovering that the colors red and pink when put together in large strategic doses can cause temporary brain damage to a man. The colors make men feel weak and confused. We start losing our minds and start believing that we are obligated to spend as much money as possible and entertain any girl in sight. If the colors were blue and black for example, this day would be entirely different. The women would want to cook, clean, and bring us beer, the man would be obligated to sit around watching football in his boxer shorts and not lift a helping finger, and it would be a great time for all. But of course that’s not the case, red and pink has shut off the part of the brain that makes men think and we are forever helpless against it.

When this day comes around I start wondering if there are any holidays I actually like. Then I remember some of the fun ones, like the Fourth of July. This holiday has got it right. We do two things that all Americans love to do: drink and blow things up. Nothing says great family holiday like drinking a case of beer and lighting a firework that can blow up 2 square blocks if used improperly. Or how about Thanksgiving? It has the perfect ingredients of not having to work for a few days and eating as much as humanly possible. There’s also an important trend forming here with the 4th of July and Thanksgiving with the lack of giving gifts. Personally I hate any holiday where there is a requirement of presents. That’s why I’m a big fan of President’s Day. I have no idea which Presidents we are saluting or when President’s Day is. That being said, I’m not required to take someone to dinner, get them flowers, or buy any gifts so damnit, I’m going to celebrate the hell out of that day.

To shed a little light on the male view of Valentine’s Day, we really need to break down what it’s all about. Clearly, the main issue here is for the man to do whatever is necessary to hook up. We’ll wear pink sweaters if that’s what it takes. We’ll listen to Kenny G and Michael Bolton if that works. We’ll buy expensive gifts, flowers and dinners, take women to theatre or ballet, and even watch that romantic chick-flick you’ve been dying to see. Why? Because the man is aware that no matter how much she plays it down, Valentine’s Day is important to her and by planning ahead, treating her nice, buying her nice things, and showing her a good time, he’ll most likely cash in. There is an easy math formula that I’ve compiled which shows that there is a direct correlation between the money spent on Valentine’s Day and the probability of hooking up. I’d say for every dollar spent, your chances improve by approximately .0025 of a percent, so in theory you need to spend $400 to be guaranteed to get laid. It’s a pricey day, especially in Manhattan, but if you play your cards right it could pay high dividends.

So good luck to all of the Valentine’s Day couples out there. To all the single people reading this and wishing death upon their best friend because they’re in a relationship, take a deep breath and calm down. Tomorrow is a new day and you can have satisfaction in knowing that there are 364 days until the next Valentine’s Day and you spent a hell of a lot less money than your non-single friends. Good luck everyone and leave comments on how your day is going, how it went, or what’s currently bothering you about today.

A Small Valentine's Day Warm-up

2005-02-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

Well here we are, a few days before Valentine's Day and I can already feel the madness of this terrible holiday creeping in to the picture. I've had requests from readers for me to post a routine that I performed while I was still at Indiana about Valentine's Day. I thought about posting it today, but will instead hold off until Monday, the actual day of death.

Just to give you all a taste, those of you who have seen me perform my Valentine's routine know that every year, I can sense Valentine's Day approaching by the little signs floating around. The colors in stores start to change, the air gets thinner, dogs become frightened, and most telling is when I receive a Valentine's Day card from my grandparents. For as long as I can remember, my Grandparents have sent me a Valentine's Day card a few days before the "holiday" always wishing me the best. In addition to the very sweet card is an exciting Valentines gift. What is this gift you ask? A check made out for $5. Every year I get this check and although I appreciate the gesture, I'm always baffled as to why, if they are insistent on sending me $5, can't they just drop a $5 in the envelope and send it to me. Now I love my grandparents, but it's such a hastle to receive the check, endorse it, and get it to my bank on Long Island to deposit in my account. It actually costs me $12.50 round trip on a train just to go to Long Island. Now I have an MBA in accounting and a specialization in corporate finance. In all my years of studying, models prepared, and research, I can officially state that I am losing money on this transaction. Are we that afraid of the postman these days? If a $5 bill somehow gets lost in the mail, is all of our retirement funds and assets going to get seized? The problem is that my grandparents study their checking account bank statements, so if I don't cash the check within a 4 day period, the rumbles begin in the family. I won't even get into the one year I didn't cash the check.

So last night when I went to check the mail, there was my Valentine's Day card from my grandparents and of course, a $5 check was enclosed. So that can only mean one thing, Valentine's Day is frighteningly close. If you're "celebrating" this weekend, I wish you all luck. Girls, behave. Guys, be strong. And if my grandparents have actually figured out the internet and are reading this, it's all in good fun. I love getting the $5, it's almost worth a beer in Manhattan and damnit, it's delicious. Check back Monday to hear a great Valentine's Day comedy bit and have a great weekend.

The I-Pod

2005-02-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

The I-pod has revolutionized how we walk anywhere. I’ve had mine for about three months and I feel like I’m a different person because of it. After about two weeks with the device, the I-pod becomes more than just a contraption to listen to music. Before you know it, the I-pod consumes you and the addiction begins. Suddenly you can’t walk anywhere without having the I-pod on you, whether it be walking to work, a two minute walk to the store or a trip to the bathroom. The music soothes you as you move, kind of keeps you going. I think the major appeal to walking everywhere with music is that you kind of feel like your in a movie. If a slow ballad comes on, maybe you’re in the part of a movie where you’re pondering something important. When the beat picks up, you’re at the point in a movie when the character throw caution in the wind and is determined to get something done. Whenever Eye of the Tiger comes on to my I-pod, watch out because there’s a good chance I’ll attack a random person on my walk.

I enjoy watching other people walking with their I-pod’s, you can learn a lot about a person. It’s always interesting to watch someone just start to rock out and sing out loud. I know I’ve been victim of that, just walking along and a great song comes on. Some kind of mild case of taurettes kicks in and I feel the need to play air drums and sing a few lines. It’s embarrassing but there’s nothing I can do about it, just the power of the I-pod.

When it was very cold this winter, I would get all bundled up to face the cold NYC wind-chill. Part of my process was putting on my headphones under my hat and then putting the I-pod in my inside coat pocket where I have a chance of changing the song without actually touching the I-pod, thereby keeping me warm at all times. That being said, my biggest problem with my I-pod is that I rarely charge it and I have to deal with it dying on me a lot. So quite often, I’d be all bundled up, half-way through my walk and suddenly the music stops. The normal person would probably figure out that the I-pod died, take the headphones out of his or her ears, put the thing away and continue walking. I couldn’t do that because I didn’t want to get cold so I just kept it in my ears. Let me tell you, it’s weird using headphones without any music coming out. Sometimes to compensate and to make passer-bys think that I’m actually listening to music, I’ll start dancing in place, maybe sing a line from a random song off the top of my head. The logic is that maybe I won’t get to listen to any music, but at least the person next to me thinks I’m listening to music…

Updated 2/11/05 - I'd like to post the funniest comment I saw for this article. It was written by Steve who also has a great site called Simply Amazins which you can visit through the link on the sidebar.

Rather than pretending to listen to music with headphones on, I think it would be much more crafty to actually start speaking ABOUT the people who are walking by.

Let them think that you're receiving special instructions about them:"Yeah, the guy with the blue shirt is standing right here... No, I don't think he suspects anything.

The operation will go on as planned."Then smile with the knowledge that you just freaked out someone who will be completely paranoid for the rest of the day.

Texting

2005-02-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

As technology continues to advance in the world, especially in the communications industry, we are finding new ways to communicate with each other. Cell phones, Blackberrys, Instant Messaging, Emails, and two-way paging are just some of the many ways to talk to someone. Yet one form of communication has been bothering me for a while which everyone reading this has participated in.

The beginning of text messaging was the end of talking as we know it. Here is a concept where the sole purpose is to send someone a short message, get the quick short response, and that’s it. I use text messaging because of the convenience and ease of use. If I need to get a quick answer to a question or tell someone where I am, it’s a very convenient way to pass along a message. However, we all know when we are sending a text to another, there’s a hidden message being sent as well. People may not like that I’m exposing this but we all know it’s true. Sending a text message is basically like giving a big F-U to whomever you are sending it to. You’re basically saying to them, “I could call you right now, ask you a question, have a nice little chat, but I’m not going to. I hate talking to you. You’re boring, annoying, and I don’t want to hear how your day went. Instead, answer my short little question, leave me alone, and when I’m ready to talk to you, I’ll contact you…and you dress funny and smell bad.” I know it seems pretty harsh but it’s the truth.

I am aware of this underlying message when I receive a text and it drives me nuts. Of course there are extenuating circumstances, but more often than not calling someone is much faster and easier. I suck at typing messages into my cell phone, it takes me forever and is very time consuming. By the 8th series of texts back and forth to answer someone’s question, I’ve spent $1.40 on texting this person as opposed to a free phone call, I’ve burnt 70 calories trying to vigorously type away with my thumbs since it feels like a race against the clock, and my rage starts to grow. You are asking me, since you’re too lazy to call me in person, to pay to send you a note that you’ll probably need clarification on or have follow-up questions, over a time period of 30 minutes which could have been solved a 4 minute phone call. Am I the only person who thinks this is not the best way to talk to someone?

So you might be asking yourself, “Gary…if you’re so against text messaging, why do you send texts?” To that I’d have to say for the same reasons listed above. I probably don’t want to talk to you and just want you to answer my question without hearing your life story. That being said, if you get a text from me and have read today’s post, I’m talking about the other people I text, not you…

The White Pants

2005-02-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

And in a fraction of the time, we're up to 2000 hits. So in celebration of another milestone, let me share an experience that happened to me a few years ago and what I learned.

During my time in graduate school at Indiana University, I made tons of new friends and met a bunch of interesting people. I didn't get a chance to get too close to everyone I had classes with, but by the end of my first year I was fairly well acquainted with about 80% of the MBAs I regularly saw. One individual in particular I was not so well acquainted with was a very quiet, shy, and sweet girl in my class. She kept to herself mostly, didn't speak the best English, and was friendly and polite. During my time in grad school, I'd say that I had one small conversation with her prior to this event and it probably went something like, "Hey Gary" and I responded "Hi." Very deep conversation as you can see.

I was in a food court in my second year of business school and I heard a quiet whisper of a noise coming from behind me. I turned to see the girl I referred to above saying hello to me. She was a nice girl and I heard she had a small crush on me, so to be polite I struck up a quick conversation with her about how everything is going, how are classes, and so on. At the time she was wearing a very bright outfit, light colored shirt and white jeans, very stylish and she looked nice. I was waiting for my food and had my hands free but she was holding on to a food tray packed with stuff, slice of pizza, maybe a bag of chips, and an open container of iced coffee. The conversation seemed to be winding down and I said bye. Just as I was about to grab my food to walk away, the girl somehow loses her balance, the tray goes flying into the air and the open container of iced coffee spills all over her. Luckily I was unharmed, not a splash touched me, but this poor girl had coffee stains all over her bright shirt and white pants, we're talking completely covered.

Some people might rush to her aid, scramble for napkins, maybe pick the tray up and help her clean. But I was frozen in my place. This was perhaps the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life, too funny to even laugh. Here was this girl completely covered in coffee, on the verge of tears, everyone stopping to look. She sees me standing there, staring at her in shock. We locked eyes and glared at each other in silence for what seemed like hours. Finally said to me, "It's ok, you can go." I was still speechless and in another world mentally and could not get myself together. After contemplating my options, I gave her a slight nod, turned around and walked away.

It was possibly the rudest thing I've ever done in my life but when I think back I couldn't imagine handling it differently. I don't think we ever spoke again the remainder of my Indiana days. Did I learn anything from this event??? I don't think so. I probably should have helped her but hindsight is 20-20. Next time you see the most ridiculous thing ever, see how quickly you react. Lets see some comments on this one.

Jimmy, Timmy, Timmy, Jimmy

2005-02-08T09:00:00.000-05:00

Today's post will go up at one this afternoon. Take some time to read the archives this morning and watch Jimmy dance, dance, dance.

Hey Jimmy, do you want a candy bar?

The Superbowl

2005-02-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

The Superbowl is an event that is special in all our hearts. The entire world watches the game, it’s a great opportunity to spend time with friends and family, the commercials are great, and we know that once the game is over spring is on the way in a few weeks. But what is Superbowl really all about and what makes this day so special?

I pondered this question all week leading up to the game, why is this day so important? It’s probably not the actual football being played, I’ve watch with many people who hate football but still won’t miss a second of the Superbowl. It isn’t the people who you watch with. This year I watched the game with only five people rather than go to a huge party. Just as I thought the answer never would come to me, I was finishing up my third slice of pizza after eating my 15th buffalo wing and my stomach started to ache. It was at this painful moment that I realized that Superbowl is all about eating.

I’ve watched every Superbowl since sometime around 1986. I am very educated in the game of football and know so many details about the game it is puzzling. Yet I couldn’t tell you who was the leading rusher of last year’s Superbowl. I have no clue who or where I watched the 1995 Superbowl. I can barely even recall most of last night’s game. But if you asked me what toppings were on my second slice of pizza I ate during the second half of the 1997 Superbowl, I can quickly tell you that it was a mushroom slice with extra cheese. This day of football is all about justifying eating anything in your site. How can you justify it? It’s Superbowl damnit, that’s why. Last night, I had three different kinds of buffalo wings, pizza, all different types of chips, celery, a gallon of soda, and whatever else came across my line of sight. I was an unstoppable force eating anything in my path. Even when I was completely full and my stomach was turning, I still had some kind of food in my mouth. To everyone there, we acted like this was our last super. We ate quickly with purpose and left no wing untouched. It’s almost a failure if you don’t finish all the food, your own personal battle. As the football players battle on the field, us warriors were fighting against the two large pizzas and wings, clawing desperately through the fatigue and pain to finish all the food.

When all was said and done, I’m fairly confident that I gained around two pounds in one full evening of eating. I probably won’t eat again for a day or so, it was that intense. I would like to give a quick congratulations to one of my eating teammates who actually ate more food than the other four people combined. To protect the innocent, I’ll call him Scott who managed to knock off somewhere between 30-35 large buffalo wings, 3 slices of pizza, a large bag of Doritos, other assortments of chips, his own 2 liter bottle of soda, and possibly the delivery boy, we’re still trying to figure out if he made it out of the apartment alive. Scott is a hero to many, scary to others, and he deserves kudos for his big day.

Unproductive Days

2005-02-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

Being that last night was a Thursday and the weekend starts on Thursday during the wintertime (Wednesday in the summer months), I decided to go out to the bars. Now I know full well that I have work early in the morning on Friday and during the early stages of drinking I'm consciously thinking about waking up early and being productive at work. Yet no matter how long you think about it or how hard you try, you always drink more on a Thursday than you would any other day of the week.

After a few hours you suddenly become a math wiz, calculating the exact hours of sleep you can sneak in if you went home that instant. The key is understanding yourself to really figure out how many hours you will sleep. Some will factor in having two more drinks, not getting a cab, throwing up, fighting off the spins to determine how much sleep they can really get. I personally have to consider the strong chance of getting food on the way home, 2 drunk-dial phone calls, trying to find my bottle of Tylenol, using IM, and finding something good on tv. You start justifying those hours of sleep in your mind and keep on drinking. Sure I can work tomorrow on 3.5 hours of sleep. Sure I have a crucial meeting at 9:45, but 4 hours and a new shirt should do me well.

Then you wake up to your alarm and everyone swears off drinking for the rest of their lives. "What was I thinking, I'm such an idiot." It usually feels like a cruel joke trying to get out of bed, tossing and turning to fight off the spins, hitting the snooze button at least 7 times. You finally do get to work, late of course, you sit there and just kind of wonder how in the hell you're going to get anything done. When you sober up around 10:45, the headaches start,you get very tired, angry, upset...every emotion goes crashing through your skull. It's not until around 3 in the afternoon till you're fully recovered and then we all know what time it is...time to plan your Friday evening. After swearing off drinking just hours earlier, the excitement of happy hours and going out that night outweigh your promise to yourself.

Hope everyone is feeling better as they read this. You're not alone and remember, going out tonight is only a few hours away.

McDonald's Madness

2005-02-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

One of the greatest things about New York City is how everything delivers. This is a hard concept for most non-New Yorkers to understand but you can literally get anything under the sun delivered straight to your apartment. Whether it be dinner, rental movies, groceries, furniture, or toiletries from a bodega, NYC has made it very easy to live without a car and have everything brought straight to you.

That being said, I am having a major issue with one particular store which is very close to my apartment and also delivering. I get confused and angry thinking about it and it needs to be brought to everyone's attention. On the corner of my building, not more than a block away, is a McDonalds Restaurant. It's your standard McDonald's, dangerously open 24 hours a day on the weekends and till 1am on most other nights. Posted on their windows for the public to see is their delivery number. I've had people come visit me from out of town fascinated by this and beg me to order-in some McDonalds. I fight it everytime because it is wrong, allow me to explain.

I think it's pretty clear by now that McDonald's is not a healthy place to eat. There was recently a movie made about it how a guy only ate McDonalds for a month and gained a ton of weight. However, it says a lot for your character if you walk to the restaurant to get your food, or at least walk to your car to go there. It burns a few calories before the 1,000 calorie gorging you're about to do. Now let me make this very clear, if your fat ass is too lazy to get out of your apartment and walk the 1-2 minutes it takes to get food from McDonald's, you should be shot and put out of your misery. With all the information we have today about how bad this stuff is for you, at least do what I call the "walk of shame." That would be the walking to and from McDonald's, thinking the whole time about how unhealthy the food is you're about to eat. The panic and stress should help burn a few calories by itself.

I called McDonald's delivery just for research value to see what it was all about. Turns out that they actually have a minimum order to get them to deliver the food to you. When I heard this I started thinking about what's actually on the menu. Half the items are $1 a piece, and value meal can run you $4-5, what kind of minimum could it be? They explained that it is required to purchase $10 worth of food to get them to do the door-to-door service. I know for a fact that you can feed a family of 17 in Somalia for about $10 at McDonald's, what crazy bastards are ordering that much food? I think they're trying to make you even fatter so you eventually become helpless and can never leave the apartment, thereby forcing you to continually order-in. A huge McDonald's conspiracy.

So basically, if you're going to eat McDonald's, eat least do the walk of shame and literally walk to McDonald's. Everything else is fair game in my book in NY, order away and enjoy meeting some new friendly delivery people.

Groundhog Day

2005-02-02T09:17:00.000-05:00

Are there any good Holidays in the entire month of February? With the exception of Valentines Day which you'll hear my rant about in two weeks, Groundhog's Day has to be the dumbest holiday out there. It's predictable, boring, and pointless.

My first problem is that I don't think the Groundhog is fit to predict the weather. For over 100 years, this stupid, ugly little rodent has been predicting our weather and I've had it already. I'm addicted to the weather since I really hate the cold so this is a very important event for me and I'm astonished that with all the developments in science and technology that we still depend on this oversized rat to tell us that it's going to be cold for another 6 weeks. There has to be a better option than this. I'm convinced that the Groundhog actually likes the cold weather and that's why he consistently tortures us with his long winters.

Maybe the real issue is that we're using the wrong Groundhog or animal to predict the weather. I cannot remember the last time we had a short winter and it's probably the Groundhog's fault. In sports, if you continually lose year after year, your ass gets fired. After so many consecutive years of predicting longer winters, don't we all think it's time to fire this rodent and try someone else? Lets get a new groundhog or a different animal who can be an impact player, a real go-getter. We need a replacement who can guarantee us 2 short winters out of the next three years, set some high goals and motivate us. I propose an animal audition, just line them up somewhere and conduct interviews. We can ask them why they feel they can predict the weather better, what skills can they provide that the Groundhog couldn't, what salary are they looking to collect for this (save taxpayer dollars), and so on. I believe that a monkey would probably make the best weather predictor. Sure they like to throw their feces at people, but they're smart, cute, and have 4 thumbs, that's got to help in some way or another.

So I'm starting the anti-Groundhog revolution. I checked the results this morning and at 7:31am, with 14º, clear skies with a wind chill of 3ºF, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow. Stupid Groundhog...looks like 6 more weeks of winter. You know the Groundhog is hanging with his friends right now after working this morning just laughing it up. Down with Groundhogs.

Leave Breakfast Alone

2005-02-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

Breakfast is by far, without a doubt my favorite meal of the day. There are very few breakfast foods that I do not enjoy: Eggs, omelets, Pancakes, Waffles, Biscuits, Bacon, Hash Browns, Ham, Sausage...Everything is delicious to me. One of my favorite things to do as a kid was go to those all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets with my family so I can just pig out and eat a little bit of everything. I've eaten breakfast food for lunch and dinner on many occasions and look forward to any opportunity to kick off the day with a nice large breakfast.

It's amazing how one simple word can ruin all of this joy and excitement for me. I first noticed it in a hotel a long time ago, they offered free breakfast in the morning. When I awoke that morning all set for some eggs and bacon, I was severely disappointed to see only bread. But I put it in the back of my mind until I saw it again at a seminar. I'm all excited for a nice hot breakfast and what is sitting there? Some muffins, not worthy of being called breakfast at all. This horrific word is "Continental" and I will hate it forever. Standing alone, I'm not really sure what it means, but once you put it in front of the word breakfast ("Continental Breakfast" for all you short-bus kids out there) it ruins my favorite part of the day. You go from delicious omelets and pancakes to croissants, rolls, toast, english muffins, and butter. That is not a breakfast, it's crap.

The most similar combination of words I can think of ,which I also am very against, would be non-alcoholic beer. Now I love beer for many reasons, it picks you up when you're down, tastes good, listens to your problems, likes to hang out, and knows how to be a good friend. I even don't mind the word non-alcoholic, I like sodas and juice, non-alcoholic friends can come in handy sometimes, that's all I got on that word. But once those words are combined, you have a worthless beverage that serves zero purpose. I quickly remember "beer doesn't taste good, it's terrible, what was I thinking." I've seen grown men cry after drinking some O'Douls, it's a very sad site. All their hopes and dreams crushed after one simple sip.

Now I've never cried eating a Continental breakfast, although I'll admit that I've been on the verge of tears. The word Continental has destroyed my love for breakfast and has killed a small part of Gary in the process. Since I was 14 and first discovered Continental Breakfasts, I don't sleep much anymore, get headaches all the time, prefer dark rooms to sunlight, and rarely laugh. But my time is done, there's no hope left for me. Go out and enjoy life, find some real hot breakfasts and try to forget that Continental Breakfasts even exist. You must all fight and move on, I believe in all of you.

I'm sure this will have a major impact on all your lives. Leave breakfast alone and lets ban the word Continental.

My New Hobby

2005-01-31T09:15:00.000-05:00

I've never smoked cigarettes in my life and at 24 years old, I think it's about time I gave it a shot. After witnessing all the advantages of smoking, I think I would be stupid NOT to pick up smoking.

I don't work with many smokers but the ones I do have it so good. Once an hour, they get to call their friends and go meet up for a smoke for about 15 minutes. I've observed these people outside, laughing, chatting, relaxed, just puffing away their little break. After seeing people leave every hour on the hour, I'm starting to get pretty jealous. If you put in 8 hours of work a day, your getting 2 hours off just for smoking cigarettes while the non-smoking suckers like myself are sitting inside doing their work. I've tried to create my own cigarette break to compensate but it just doesn't work. I'll go to the bathroom, maybe get a drink of water but that only takes around 3 minutes, clearly cheating me out of the other 12 if I had a lung dart in my mouth.

I guess one of the only disadvantages I can see is that I might lose 20 years of my life. I've taken that into consideration and cigarette smoking still makes sense. Firstly, who wants to live from the ages of 80-100? You're old and can't go very far, the show Golden Girls suddenly becomes the best television program, and quite often you start to get that old person smell. Then start pondering this thought, you can bank those 20 years of your life right now with the 2 hours a day you don't work and are taking cigarette breaks. I much rather enjoy my time while I'm young than 50+ years down the road.

I can use a new hobby and the advantages of taking up smoking are just too great to resist. I may not like the taste and to smoke in NYC in the winter you need to be partially suicidal, but it just makes sense to start sucking them down. Who's with me?

Friday Happy Hours

2005-01-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

As all of you read this on a Friday morning, I'm sure the first thing crossing your mind at 9am is "where am I going to go drink after work?" All of us have a little raging alcoholic in us which is completely normal and encouraged. I know people who wake up on Tuesday morning already planning where to drink after work on Friday. The Happy Hour scene has potential to be a good time and it gets most people through their Friday work day.

That being said, there is a special type of Happy Hour drinker that I would like to shed some light on. Some of you out there may fall into this classification and if so, get help immediately. The drinker is called "The Angry Employee" and is the person you want to avoid at all costs at a Happy Hour, yet we all know a bunch of them.

As obviously stated by the name, "The Angry Employee" is basically...angry. They hate their job, complain about how terrible their week has been, don't iron their shirts, plan Happy Hour 3 days before Friday, and are pretty much angry at anyone who likes their job in the slightest. When they go to Happy Hour, it's not about having a few social beers, meeting new people, or seeing some friends. The main goal here is for that person to drink as much as possible in a 90 minute span so he/she can be shitfaced by 6:00. You can usually spot an Angry Employee by scanning the faces in the crowd. Angry employees don't like to smile very much and look very determined at happy hour. They sometimes strongly resemble Jack Nicholson in The Shining if that helps shed any light on how crazy these people are. Also, they tend to throw up a lot around 7:06pm so when it hits that point in the night, try to take some cover.

Talking to these Angry Employees are usually a crap shoot. Now I've known several Angry Employees and have been anble to distinguish two specific conversation types for these people. The first is the Taurettes Syndrome talker. A typical conversation with these folk might go something like this. A normal Happy Hour patron may ask, "So, anything fun planned for the weekend?" The response would probably be along the lines of "Fuck, fuck, shit, poop, shit, shit." Be warned that the response is usually pretty loud and you might get spit on a bit as well. The second conversation I see a lot is the Debbie Downer retorts. Everyone can be having an amazing time, laughing the evening away, drinking, telling jokes. Then you ask the Angry Employee about his fun weekend plans. The response you can get goes something like "Well, it's hard to consider having fun with all the violence going on overseas. Plus, cancer is making a big comeback which has been on my mind." That's how you kill a good time which I why I recommend staying away from these people.

As I was saying earlier, if you are reading this and feel that you are an Angry Employee, run to the nearest AA meeting. To everyone else out there, have a fun Happy Hour tonight and a great weekend.

Pocket Problems

2005-01-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

Back in the Mid-90's when I was in high school, I remember a time when I would carry with me a wallet in my back pocket, a few bucks in my front pocket, maybe a pen, and that would be it. I used to wonder to myself, what are all these other pockets for if I have nothing to put in them? I'd be comfortable all day, if I wanted to stand around with a hand in a pocket, no problem. I could run, dance, skip...whatever.

Now at 24, I long for the days of pocket space. At what point did every inch of my pocket become assigned to something? Although I am an accountant, it took some engineering blueprints for me to perfect the proper placements of all of my crap in my pockets. Here's the layout I have going right now and I'm sure most guys can understand where I'm coming from. I still have the wallet going in my back pocket, but now it's more like a George Castanza wallet with credit cards, atm cards, health insurance cards, and every small memento I've ever gotten that can fit somewhere in my wallet. In my front right pocket, I've allocated what little room I have for my keychain (currently filled with 5 keys and a NYSC entrance thing), my money clip and whatever money I have in it, a cell phone, and a pen or pencil. The left pocket has my Blackberry (which is huge), work IDs, and there's enough room for about 15 cents, pending on what types of coins I have. After all of these things are carefully placed in their appropriate spot after I finish getting dressed, my walking speed has substantially decreased, I can't do quick turns, my lateral movements are no longer an option, by belt starts to tear because the weight on the pants is too much, and I can never ever put my hand in a pocket.

What happened over the past few years that made my pocket space go from sitting pretty to nothing left? I swear I feel like I'm walking around with bricks attached to my sides. One of the few advantages I have going for me is that I can never again get the cliche "So is that a ?? in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" It doesn't quite work anymore because at any given point in the day it looks like I have 2-3 erections at the same time and most people would be too frightened to ask me that question. The question then becomes, what are my alternatives? If I started using a pocket protector like the nerds in the 80's used to do I can probably free up a little bit of my right pocket but as an accountant I'd just be adding to the stereotype. The Jerry Seinfeld European handbag approach is interesting but I'm not too interested in carrying around a purse. Which means I'm pretty much out of options. I'll stick to my efficient pocket organization and be uncomfortable all day. Suggestions??

Startling Discovery

2005-01-26T09:00:00.000-05:00

A new trend has been sweeping through my office which has confused, frightened, and intrigued me. I am hoping that my Midwest and West-Coast Correspondents can report on whether this phenomenon is happening in your areas. The trend involves drinking coffee out of a straw. Not iced coffee, which a normal person could be expected to do but hot coffee.

The first question on my mind, as is probably on the mind of most of my readers, was are these people mentally challenged or undergoing some sort of trauma. To get the answers to my questions I went to the source, two girls named Andrea and Kristina (names have been changed to protect the innocent) from my office who I first spotted drinking hot coffee out of a straw. After a five minute conversation and having them satisfactorily complete a few small physical activities for me, I concluded that they were not mentally challenged. Through my questioning, I learned that they use the straw to prevent their teeth from getting stained from the coffee. Supposedly, by using the straw the coffee gets pushed to the back of their mouth and their teeth can remain sparkley white.

I got the feeling from talking to these girls that they thought I was insane for not using a straw in my coffee. Not more than three weeks after these girls started parading around with their straws in Starbucks cups, every girl in the area bought in to the idea. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George eats a candy bar with a fork and knife. His response to why, "How do you eat a candy bar? With your hands? [snort]" The closest comparison I could come up with to drinking coffee with a straw is to eat a bag of Cheetos while wearing gloves to prevent that cheesy, orange stuff from getting all over your hands. But that defeats the point of eating Cheetos, you're supposed to get the orange stuff all over you. Just like when you drink coffee, your teeth are supposed to get stained. You're telling the world, "Damn right I drink 6 cups a day, and I like it." Your yellow teeth are like trophies you can parade around all day, be proud of your coffee scars.

Anyone who has seen this recently, please post it below. Also, if anyone has been convinced to start using a straw to drink coffee after reading this blog, I'd love to hear that too. However for the record let it be known that I do not condone the activity.

Jimmy's Day

2005-01-25T09:00:00.000-05:00

Hey Jimmy, why are you so excited today?

Since I'm home sick laying on my deathbed, I decided to let Jimmy dance the day away while I recuperate. So the question of the day is, Why is Jimmy dancing and what is he so excited about?

Post your comments by clicking on the comment link below. The top suggestions will get posted on the main site.

The Misery Which Is Sunday

2005-01-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

It has been scientifically proven that sometime around 2:37 and 5:14 on a Sunday afternoon, every person eventually remembers that they have work the next day. It is a depressing time, one which cannot be avoided.

The realization normally occurs at the climax of a Sunday, you're laughing and having a good time, maybe hanging out with friends you haven't seen in a while. Suddenly, a crazy feeling goes through your body and you remember, "shit, I can't lay around doing nothing tomorrow, I actually have to work." So you try to put it out of your mind, maybe change the channel of what you were just watching, chug some milk, or run in place for a few minutes. But you can't escape the depression. Then you start thinking about all the work you have to do in the morning, phone calls you have to make, excuses you need to come up with as to why your work isn't done yet...

It is at this point that the cold sweat begins. You realize that the next weekend is so far away and there's nothing you can do about it. The rest of your Sunday is officially ruined. So you look at the clock. It's 2:54pm, you've only been awake for an hour and a half with nothing left to look forward to on that day. Rather than go out and be productive as you originally planned, you throw on sweatpants, park yourself on the couch, order in lunch and dinner, and never experience the natural light of day.

The true problems begin when you start thinking about work when you're out Friday night. The thought process is that tomorrow (Saturday) is the day before the day before you have to go back to work. I used to think like that which is probably why I became such a big drinker in the first place. So let me wrap this up by issuing some advice to all of the kids out there. Either fail classes on purpose to postpone working and not having to go through this misery yet, become a raging alcoholic to drink away the pains, or...actually scratch all other options, drinking away the sorrows is probably the best choice. Happy drinking and remember, 4 days till the weekend.

Friday Rumbles and Grumbles

2005-01-21T10:00:00.000-05:00

After looking at the viewing statistics over the last month, considering my laziness, and performing some very detailed analysis about the position of the sun, recent fashion trends, and the weather, my advisors and I agreed that rather than posting a comedy bit on Fridays, we should try use this day to try some new things out. Basically, the amount of hits on Friday is much less than the rest of the week and I would hate to use up a good routine on a day where not everyone will visit the site. So instead, we can more easily risk embarrassment or a complete lack of laughs by posting different stuff for Friday. I'm going to have some guest comedians posting bits and whatever else comes to mind. If you have suggestions, send them along in an email -> Gary Hate Mail

Here are some random thoughts, some funny, some informational, some stupid.

#1 - It is too damn cold out in New York. We're talking the kind of cold that seeps through your gloves and hat. It takes me around 40 minutes to defrost once I get inside some place and by then I'm usually getting bundled up again to go outside. If anyone has friends in the weather department, I'll pay big bucks to have them warm it up a bit. Plus, whatever happened to global warming. We had good things going with the Ozone Layer being destroyed. Warmer and shorter winters, better sun tans, the works. Lets get the hair spray cans active again.

#2 - Some of you are familiar with my roommate who is known to the world as "The Angriest Man Alive." I would like to report that The Angry Man was angry about two things this week. The first is a common anger problem of his, he was angry about having to work in general. The second angry moment came yesterday evening when I picked a fight with him by insisting that Josh McCown of the Cardinals was much better and had a better season than Eli Manning this year. He flipped out and started raising his voice, successful mission. On a weekly basis from now on, I will report what The Angry Man is angry about so get excited for that.

#3 - I'd like to wish the Indiana Hoosiers good luck this weekend against Ohio State. IU is playing for their 7th win in 8 games, a streak us Hoosier fans are more accustomed to. Also, since the Jets are out, I am rooting for the Falcons and Steelers to meet in the Super Bowl. If anyone calls me during the football games, I will name names.

#4 - If anyone remembers the story about my friend Tim peeing on my friend Matt, I am planning on going out with him tonight. Hence, if you see me around the city with Tim be careful not to get too close around 3am. It's a definite risk and I don't want anyone to get pee'd on tonight, assuming I'm in the near vicinity.

The Late Night Eats

2005-01-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

At a work event last night, I drank multiple adult beverages and after four hours of continuous binge drinking, I became what some might call "disgustingly drunk." I'm all for maximizing my free-drink intake and I made sure not to disappoint my fans so I drank myself stupid.

When it was time to leave, everyone was saying their good-byes, claiming that they're going home to get some sleep. But we all know inside that no one here is really going home. We're just saying our good-byes and stalling so each individual can determine one thing...what they can get to eat right now. The late night eating after a night of drinking is the most fun and dangerous part of the night. You feel like you owe it to yourself to each the most greasy, fattening thing you can find. It's also a race against the clock because you need to hunt down some food, order/cook it, and eat it before you completely pass out.

My thought process begins with thinking about what I have to eat at home. Currently, I have a freezer full of food from last March, nothing in the fridge, and no snacks. Pathetic I know, but it is the true warriors who can overcome this lack of food and find something open late at night who are America's real heros. Some may give up at this point and just go pass out but not me. I'm determined to eat something.

The key is being able to justify it in your mind. I haven't eaten in 3 hours, I don't want to wake up hung-over, my foot hurts, it's cold out, I like dogs...whatever it takes to make it seem that in your mind, eating is the only way to ease your pains. What did I eat last night? I stumbled into my 24 hour McDonald's and attacked the dollar menu. Sure, it's not on the Gary diet but that's not important. The important thing is that this morning for breakfast, I'm not that hungry and feel sick. Best move I ever did.

Coffee Addict

2005-01-19T09:00:00.000-05:00

I’ve never done crack, heroin, acid, or PCP. However, I’m pretty confident that I could go head-to-head against anyone addicted to those drugs. What’s my addiction? Coffee. I fall victim to the precious coffee bean like the rest of the working world. I’m weak and worthless without it, strong and confident with it.

There are a few readers out there that have never tried coffee for just this reason. Once you start drinking, there’s no turning back. It begins with one innocent cup, maybe you have a tough deadline ahead of you and need to stay up late. Or perhaps you anticipate a long meeting coming up and feel compelled to get some caffeine before heading in. Then that one taste turns into a morning routine. Before you know it you’re drinking 3 cups a day, memorized the menu at Starbucks, and you know the difference between caramel macchiato and half caf, skinny, zebra cafe mocha. Which brings me to another point, ordering at these coffee shops is like speaking an entire new language. Now I personally do not speak fluent Coffee House, but I’ll tell you this much, I wouldn’t trust someone who can with my kids. They’re dangerous, that’s all I know.

Then there’s that day that you’re running late and you didn’t have time to get some coffee. That’s when the striking similarities between a coffee drinker and crackhead start to show. You get the shakes, your vision gets blurry, the headaches start to pound against your skull, your speech patterns adjust, and so on. Chances are you’d probably scare away a crack addict with your behavior. You get verbally abusive and violent, attacking anyone in your path. “Do you want some breakfast?” your co-worker might ask. “NO!” you scream, “LEAVE ME ALONE, I HATE YOU.” It’s unpredictable, rash, and insane.

Not until you get that first cup of the day can you finally go back to the normal person you once were. As the warm fluid touches your lips, you feel the relaxation kicking in. The calm, the serenity...the magic. You can once again have open dialogue with people without screaming. All your worries and fears from just 5 minutes ago are gone. You have found your Utopia.

So to the coffee drinkers out there, let me say that you’re not alone. To those of you who are contemplating trying their first cup, come over to the dark side.

The Urine Test

2005-01-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

During my senior year of High School, I was encouraged by my parents to get a job on the weekends to make a little money. While I was not thrilled with the idea of working, I decided to give it a shot and began interviewing around a local mall. A music store in the mall called me in for an interview which I passed without a problem. They extended an offer for a part-time position, pending on the satisfactory completion of a drug test. I was not concerned with this task since I was not on any drugs and I was slightly excited to try out working for the first time. The music store told me to finish the drug test by the end of the week and the job is mine.

In an elaborate plan created by my father, my family intended on stopping off at the drug testing facility on Friday, immediately before going on a 6 hour drive to Maryland for a wedding reception party. Understand that this is my mother’s side of the family so promptness is crucial and there was no room for error. Although we were running late, we figured that the drug test couldn’t take more than five, ten minutes tops, and then we could be on our way to Maryland for the wedding party.

My father and I left my mother and sister in the car, headed into the building, and assured them that we’ll be back in 5 minutes. As we entered the elevator in the drug testing facility, an intriguing thought entered my mind. I had never in my life taken a drug test and therefore had not properly planned, for I had gone to the bathroom just before leaving the house. I laughed to myself about it and made a quick joke to my dad but little did I know that going to the bathroom just before heading to the drug site would cause sheer disaster and would change my life forever.

We waited for a few minutes in a reception room and after a good eight minutes, my name was finally called and I was led back to a prepping room. The disgruntled, old nurse started reading me the rules of the test and then brought out a package with the testing contents within it. I swear I am not exaggerating when I tell you that she took out the largest beaker in science history and handed it to me. Being the light-humored guy that I am, I decided to bring up the fact that I just went to the bathroom before I left the house and was curious how much of this gargantuon glass I was expected to fill. The nurse did not find me to be amusing what-so-ever and explained that it needs to be just about full so she can fill three huge test tubes with it.

Although it looked impossible, I had faith in myself and thought that there was a slight, albeit slim chance of me being able to fill the beaker. So I did a slow strut down a long hallway and tried to get in the mental zone for filling the glass. I got to the bathroom, opened the door and wiggled my way inside the tiny bathroom. This was a one-person facility that perfectly resembled an airplane bathroom. Your movements are completely restricted with the toilet directly in front of you, sink pushing into your back while you’re facing the toilet. I began my attempt at filling the beaker and despite all of my dancing and struggling, I could only fill the beaker about a quarter of the way. I figured I could probably talk my way out of this so I washed up and headed to the nurse to present her with my pathetic sample.

The nurse took one look and told me that it would not be enough and I couldn’t leave the facility until I was finished to avoid failing the test automatically. I tried to explain to her that I’m on the way to a wedding, my family is waiting in the car, I’m in a rush, but nothing worked.

Embarrassed, I walked back to the reception area and explained to my father that I could not leave because I didn’t give enough of a urine sample. He started to panic and sweat since he is scared of my mother and tried to come up with a quick plan. He told me to drink water and then he ran out of the room. I parked myself in front of a water cooler and began chugging small cups of water non-stop. After about 10 more minutes, my father comes storming back in with two Snapples in his hand and warns me that my mom is on a rampage and we need to get out of here fast. So I chug a Snapple and keep drinking the water, I’m jumping up and down trying to get the system moving a bit, anything that can speed up the process.

Around 15 more minutes go by and now I know it’s gametime. I had determination in my eyes, nothing was going to stop me now. I marched up to the nurse and told her I’m ready to give it another shot. She hands me a new beaker and is telling me the rules again but I can’t even hear her, I’m in the zone and all I see is the light at the end of the tunnel. Beaker in hand, I march confidently down the long hallway, squeeze into the tiny airplane bathroom and as focused as possible, begin attempt #2 at filling the beaker.

This time around everything is going according to plan. I’m filling that beaker like a superstar and I know that I saved myself from a major crisis. I remember feeling proud of myself for going into such a pressured situation and being composed enough to get out with flying colors. I finish up and see that the beaker is completely filled. Actually, I was so proud with myself that I forgot to take into consideration the size of the tiny bathroom. I spun around way too quickly, knocked the beaker against a wall, lost control and spilled the beaker all over myself.

My rage grew exponentially and I screamed out “SHIT!” The nurse came running to the door and cried back, “What happened? Is everything ok?”

I replied, “No, I dropped the beaker!”

“Did it fall in the toilet? We can still use it if it fell in the toilet.”

I look down at the toilet…nothing. I look down at my jeans…drenched. So I pick up the beaker, which had less than my first attempt remaining in it, washed my hands, and came out of the bathroom. The nurse takes a look at me and the beaker, clearly thinking that I must be on crack, and explains once again that I do not have enough and can’t leave until I’m done.

My father then comes into the back to see what is taking so long, being that it has been over an hour already. He sees his son, standing head down, covered in piss and starts contemplating where he went wrong all these years. As if on cue, my mother comes bursting through the doors screaming, telling us that we’re leaving right now. She was caught off-guard when her son smelled and was drenched in urine, but she told us that we’re leaving right now and to forget the test.

So we piled into the car two minutes later and I’m still in the same clothes and stink like urine. We drove for 6 hours, in silence for the most part. I’d love to know what everyone was pondering during that ride. I know that I was thinking that this kind of thing can only happen to me, I can waive that job good-bye, and my parents think I’m half retarted. Eight years later, I have never taken another drug test and don’t plan on starting anytime soon. Who knows the disaster that could come out of another attempt. Did I learn anything? No, but at least I got a great story out of it.

1000th Hit Day Bonanza

2005-01-18T08:59:00.000-05:00

Jimmy, are you excited that the G-Man News-Stand has 1000 hits?

Damn right he is, Jimmy loves the Stand

So in just under a month, the G-Man News-Stand reaches 1000 hits. It happened much quicker than I anticipated and we're off to a great start. In honor of this big day, I've posted the funniest story I know, "The Urine Test." It's a true story, standard Gary "A" material.

Few people to thank real quick. Michaela and my Hoosier alumni contingent for stopping by daily and making great posts, especially Bell and Kara. The New York Tower contingent for some great ideas and encouragement, Lyman, Levy, Pike, and Matt. My co-workers, especially fan #1, Mr. Gaurav, Brad Weaver, MV, LF, JT. All the people who are promoting me in their IM profiles, Stacy, DTM, and others. The Kligman family who I think are officially my biggest fans. And of course, my fam pretending to think I'm funny even though I know they don't.

Thanks for coming so far and the next goal is 100,000.

Spins

2005-01-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

Is there anything worse than getting the spins after a night of drinking? Now I understand that there are one or two of you out there who have never truly experienced what the spins are all about. So being a good Samaritan, I will describe the "spins" experience so when you get them for the first time, it can be properly identified and you will be more equipped to handle it.

It is important first to understand where the spins come from. When you drink multiple adult beverages which contain "alcohol" in them, you might be having fun and more often than not, lose count of how many drinks you have. Somewhere between the shot of Jaeger and your 15th drink which was probably a beer, your body internally starts saying, "Enjoy yourself now cause your ass is mine when this is over..."

Around 8:15am, you'll wake up confused. You remember your name, where you are, and that you were definitely drinking last night, but why did you wake up?. Before you have a chance to close your eyes, the room starts moving around, hence when the "spins" begin. It slightly concerns you but you figure that if you just close your eyes and go back to sleep, this will all go away. So you close your eyes but the spins get worse and you immediately are forced to open them. Panic now starts to seep in. The most logic solution to this problem is a glass of water so you sit up in bed. As we all know, once you sit up the spins intensify immensely. It is at this point, you realize that water is out of the question and you put your head back on the pillow to think this through.

This is what is called the crucial decision point. You pretty much have two options:
1. You take the walk of shame to the bathroom and just let loose, get this all over with
2. You try to fight it like a man (or woman) and attempt to tough out the storm

Let me assure you that Option 2, while looking like the best answer is probably the worst choice. I've seen spins victims suffer for hours at a time. You know that if you choose Option 1, at least you get it over with right away, hopefully with little mess, and you can go back to sleep. Quite often, Option 2 is not even an option and before you start thinking about it you're hanging over the toilet. Either way, I hope that all of you rookies out there take some notes and are prepared to handle this situation if it ever presents itself. Good luck and I hope easy hangovers to all.

Technical Difficulties

2005-01-13T21:28:00.000-05:00

There's something funky going on with the site right now so bare with me and pray that it gets fixed soon. That's the problem with being an accountant with zero knowledge about computer stuff, I just have to hope that someone else will come along and fix it. It's very similar to when a light goes out in my apartment. I'm no Bob Villa, you can't expect me to actually climb up onto something and change the lightbulb. Come on, I went to Business School, I didn't take engineering classes.

So basically, thanks for coming to the site. Lets hope this gets cleared up soon.

Selling Your Soul

2005-01-13T09:14:00.000-05:00

I caught Randy Johnson on Letterman Tuesday night of this week. It was the day after he passed his physical and was officially named to the Yankees. Now I remember Randy as being the highest paid local/hick in all of America. He grew a mullet since he's been playing baseball, had a mustache, and just looked like the kind of guy that you'd buy some illegal fireworks from.

So I was watching the Late Show with David Letterman just waiting to watch Randy fold in front of the big lights on national television. When David introduced Mr. Johnson, I was both shocked and appalled at who came out from back stage. I'm pretty sure it was Randy Johnson but the mullet...gone, mustache...not there, denim suspenders...replaced with a pin-stripe business suit. In less than 24 hours, the most famous hick baseball player of all time was transformed into a business man who could very well have been my boss in an accounting firm. I will mourn the loss of a former hero of the locals and try to accept Randy as one of our own. That being said, I'm not a Yankee fan and hope he loses every game.

"Where have all the Cowboys gone???..."

Rainy Days

2005-01-12T09:12:00.000-05:00

We've been on a pretty long rain streak since New Years and after going through the same routine everyday, I believe it's time I pointed a few things out. In my latest treck to work, I experienced what I call the mist-type of rain. Everyone's been through it, it's cold and damp and you can feel a cold spray of water on your face. However, umbrellas are useless against them no matter the size, since the mist can just seep under it. That being said, there are tons of New Yorkers who insist on still using an umbrella in this type of rain. I know it can't help them, they know it's pointless, yet people feel the need to use it. So as I walked to work "unarmed" with my umbrella in my holster, it really gave me a chance to observe some behaviors I see with other umbrella people.

Here's a rule that should become law. If you are under 5'6", you should not be carrying a golf umbrella. Now I'm all for banning golf umbrellas to everywhere except the golf course, but if you are short there is no reason to carry a golf umbrella. They're enormous, probably big enough for 3 people your size. Plus, they're usually too heavy for these people anyway which makes them lose control of the umbrella (which is key for proper umbrella etiquette). People can get severely injured by these little people carrying these ginormous devices and it needs to be stopped. I would love to see the hospital reports and find out how many golf umbrella injuries occur a day. I wouldn't be surprised if there were a few concussions, stab wounds, and severed limbs because of them. Those of you who know me are aware that I'm not giant by any means and I feel it is my duty as a human to avoid using a clown-sized umbrella.

Here's another rule that might help some people along: Keeping the umbrella closer to your head won't make you any dryer. There are people out there that try to hold their umbrella as low as possible to prevent the chance of any water actually touching them. 99% of the time, it doesn't matter how high or low you hold the umbrella, you'll probably be just as dry. The people that hold the umbrellas low find it necessary to cover their eyes and end up not being able to see a thing while they're walking. They zig-zag around the sidewalk, bumping into people and objects like they're driving drunk. And getting bumped by these people is no fun. It might not be as bad as getting whacked in the head by a golf umbrella, but these idiots step on your feet and continually knock into you throughout your walk.

Maybe we need to implement a ticketing system to prevent poor umbrella etiquette. Or perhaps everyone must be required to take a class, similar to drivers ed. You take a written exam on the history of umbrellas, weather, and proper umbrella carrying. Then you go for a "road test" with an umbrella expert. He'll follow you around as you execute opening and closing the umbrella, left and right-hand turns, dodging passer-bys, and so on. If you pass, you can carry an umbrella without risk of fine. Failing the test means you better have a good raincoat and goggles to wear outside.

Lets see some reader-interaction today. Try and post a funny umbrella experience you've had recently. Funniest one will get posted on the site this afternoon. Just click on the comment button below.

Leave the Dogs Alone

2005-01-11T09:15:00.000-05:00

Someone please explain to me why dogs need to wear clothes becauaes I just don't understand. Now I am basing all of my research from what I see in Manhattan so I'd love to see some comments if this happens elsewhere around the country. For some sick and strange reason, people feel the need to dress up their dog before they leave the house to walk them. Am I missing something here? The dogs usually look ridiculous, the people walking them look equally ridiculous. Now that we're in winter, I've actually seen Burberry outfits being worn on dogs the size of my foot. After some quick research, I found out that these outfits run for over $200. Let me repeat, people are buying their dogs clothes which cost over $200. There are little dogs which weigh less than 5 pounds wearing a more expensive outfit than a grown man weighing 160 pounds in Manhattan on any given day. Something does not seem right.

I've actually gone up to people and asked them, "why do you dress up your dog?" I usually get two answers, the second of which I can't stand. Either I hear that it looks cute, which at times I can agree that the dog may look slightly cute, or they don't want the dog to get cold. Here's an eye opener for you, the dogs have fur. This may just be rumors, but I've heard that a dog's FUR is there to keep them warm, not a prada dog jacket. On top of that, I find it slightly ironic for what these owners are dressing up their dogs. They put on the dog clothes, make him or her look all cute and ready to walk around the block a few times. Are these people forgetting that the point of walking a dog is to let them do a #1 or #2 on the street? I'll tell you this much, you don't see me putting on a tuxedo to run to the bathroom in my apartment, let alone a $200 outfit.

One of the funniest parts about dressing up the dogs is that more often than not, it is the husband/boyfriend who ends up walking the dog anyway and you know the guys don't like the dog outfit. A man wants a dog who looks tough, mean, and is a dog he can be proud of. You put on some dog clothes and suddenly, a guy is ashamed at his very flamboyant friend. Recently, I got into my elevator of my apartment and a few floors down, a guy got in with a tiny little dog dressed in a pink jacket. So I'm staring at the dog, then I look at him, then back down to the dog for a few seconds. He obviously notices me watching and after a little silence, he blurts out, "I'm not gay man, it's my girlfriends." This guy was completely humiliated to walk this pink-jacketed dog around the city. I felt for that guy and for all guys forced to dress up their dogs. Have some respect ladies, let the men walk the dogs without getting beat up or completely humiliated.

Worst Invention Ever

2005-01-10T09:15:00.000-05:00

There have been so many developments over the years that have improved all our lives. The microwave, television, cell phones, whatever. However, one small addition to an invention from long ago might be ruining my life and I'm ready to admit to the world this morning that I have a problem.

Whoever created the snooze button on alarm clocks must be laughing in his grave right now. As a practical joke, some guy who worked with alarm clocks decided, hey, lets put a button on a clock which you can push as many times as you want, allow people to take short 7-9 minute naps and never wake up properly. Now my addiction started when I was very young. I remember as a kid wondering what the snooze button really did. So I was brave one morning at gave it a try, it was possibly the greatest discovery a 10 year old could ever had. And so the issues began. I would be too tired to wake up so I'd hit the button. Before you knew it, one snooze turned into three. Then three turned into 6. The snooze button is like coffee, you get hooked. Forget cigarettes or alcohol addictions, quitting those is for chumps. The snooze button addiction is unbearable and you can't get enough snoozes in. Eventually the problem gets so bad that you start anticipating your number of snoozes when you set your alarm the night before.

Then one day it hits you that you have set your alarm to go off 42 minutes before you actually get out of bed, which allows for around 6 snoozes. If you just woke up to the alarm without snoozing in the first place, you'd gain an extra 3 and a half hours of sleep a week. If the great grandson of the person who invented the snooze button is reading this, watch out because I will punch you in the face if I ever meet you. I am officially a snooze button junkie and no meetings or therapy can help. I know there's no turning back from here, I'm just hoping that I can save the children from developing the same snooze cravings that I have.

Delivery Drama

2005-01-07T09:15:00.000-05:00

I have discovered an inconsistency that needs to be brought to the surface. Now before I get comments posted back about how you have never done this, save it because I don't believe you. Everyone reading this article right now, especially if you live in Manhattan, is guilty of this behavior as well as myself. That being said, I don't expect anything to change, nor will I change what I do.

When I go to a restaurant, I generally leave what I consider the average tipping range. That would fall somewhere between 15% and 20%. The better I consider the service and food, the more I lean towards the 20% tip. Now as a Manhattan resident, I'd say that I order in food 3 meals a week on average (that is below average to most New Yorkers if you're wondering). Why do I order in so much? It comes down to a few simple reasons: Laziness, less expensive than going out, and the most crucial reason, Weather. When it's cold, raining, snowing, a slight chance of rain or snow, icy, too hot...there are so many weather possibilities as to why you order in food.

So lets break this down logically. The delivery guy, whose total wages is probably the tips he receives, has to walk/run/bike for miles around Manhattan carrying my food. The weather is probably awful, he's sweating bullets trying to keep my food warm and get it to me as fast as possible as to receive a higher tip from me. He dodges the traffic in NY, gets to my building, waits on our long apartment elevator lines, finally finds my apartment and rings the bell triumphantly. I go to get the door and there is my food, still warm and ready to eat, and for the last 20 minutes, I didn't have to leave my couch to miss the same Seinfeld episode I've seen 37 times. Now after this hard working, minimum wage receiving employee went through all this trouble to get my food, you would expect that logically, I would lean towards the 20% tipping range. However, lets see what really happens...

"Thanks, how much is it?"
"18.47 please"
"Great, here's a 20, keep the change"

Now don't lie and say you've never done that. A waiter in a restaurant carries my food from the kitchen to my talbe, probably 50 feet tops and he gets 20%. However, my fat ass was too lazy to go outside to get food and the delivery guyjust went through bad weather and a hell of a trip and all I gave him was an 8% tip? Now I can preach how wrong this is but I know that I'll probably still give the same tip. Why?? I don't know. It just seems like the right thing to do.

Now That's a Spring Break

2005-01-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

This is a true story from my Spring Break Cruise in March of 2003. The names have been slightly altered to save face of some embarrassed people.

The main theme of my Spring Break cruise was “drunk” for no better replacement. Most of the day and all night, my group of 13 drank ourselves stupid. However, an event occurred the second night of the cruise that would change our lives forever.

It was the morning after that infamous second night and my group of friends all congregated on the deck of the ship to eat some breakfast/lunch and our buddy Matt was running a little late. When he finally arrived, he was more quiet than usual and seemed slightly disturbed. I happened to be sitting next to him and noticed his odd behavior so I asked him if everything was ok. After a slight pause, he mentioned that something might be wrong. He claims that he doesn’t remember much of the prior night but when he woke up, for some reason his bed was wet. So I asked if he remembered taking some water to bed. He responded that when he woke up, there were no glasses around, no water bottles, nothing. That gave me the opportunity to ask the million dollar question, “Did you pee yourself?”

Matt thought about it for a second, the said, “That did cross my mind, but I fell asleep in my jeans and they were dry for the most part.”

“Then what was it?” I asked.

“…I think Tim pee’d on me…”

Now Tim was one of the friends that came with us on the cruise. However, he did not have any reputation of being a bed-wetter, nor would we ever expect Tim to pee on someone else. However, Matt was convinced that his friend had urinated on him at some point during the night. So we joked about it with Tim and he of course denied it as expected. But it made for a few laughs, Matt dismissed it eventually, and the cruise went on.

Let’s fast forward to the last night of the cruise. For whatever reason, the bar we were hanging around on the last night decided to give out free tequila shots. After you finished a shot, you just held up your glass and the bartender ran over to refill it. Probably one of the more fun and dangerous activities I’ve ever partaken in. Everyone was as drunk as can be and I personally have limited recollection of that night.

In the middle of the night, something woke Matt. He was lying in bed and rolled over to see what the noise was. Standing over Matt in a peeing position was Tim, eyes closed all ready to unleash fury. Matt screamed out, “Tim!! No dice!!”

That woke up the other roommate who saw what was going on and started yelling for Tim to go to the bathroom. Tim screamed back, “I’m in the bathroom!” After some persistent yelling from Matt and his other cabin mate, Tim finally said “Fine, jeez!” and started walking away. But instead of making it to the bathroom, he went to a corner of the room and assumed the same position. The roommates started yelling again for him to go to the bathroom which Tim was convinced he was already in. So Matt’s roommate got up and manually relocated Tim into the bathroom. Tim started fighting back (mind you that he does have his ba ding dong out already) until he couldn’t take it anymore and found the actual bathroom.

So basically, Tim was caught Red handed. Matt fortunately didn’t get pee’d on for a second time. However, Matt did come to a startling discovery immediately after that event. Matt had noticed that his clothes, which were kept in the corner of the room, were soaked a few days ago and he never knew why…

Disturbing Discovery

2005-01-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

There are many economic and social indicators you could use to determine how far along our civilization has come. Some experts choose to look at the average family income, others the unemployment levels or interest rates. On my cruise from last week, I have officially come up with a new, more exact way to measure our progress as humans in the 21st century. And that method is, looking at the latest Bingo technology.

That's right, Bingo technology can tell you all you need to know about the human race. I did not mention it in yesterday's posting, but playing Bingo is actually a semi-large aspect of cruises. It's played at least once a day, gets an average turnout of a few hundred people, and the payouts are usually descent. Since my average readership is aged somewhere between 20 and 26, I will assume that most reading this have not had the opportunity to perform the research I was able to achieve over the last week so let me fill everyone in to some interesting and disturbing updates regarding Bingo.

I remember a day when you could buy a bingo card which gave you 6 games on it for $5. I don't remember the actual year, just that the time period existed. On the cruise boat, bingo cards of 3 games for all 4 rounds went for $30. Now that is possibly the best inflation indicator I have ever seen. Now since I understand that I am one of the two worst bingo players in the northeastern part of the US, I usually decide to get that card which is the cheapest out there and cut my losses before I even start. Despite the fact that I knew I'd lose, I still had a little hope heading into the first Bingo game of the ship. I bought my card, had my fingers crossed, and was all set to start playing. My enthusiasm and excitement was cut very short when the "Bingo Machines" were brought out for sale.

Read slowly to grasp what I'm laying out here. As of 2004/2005, there is now a computerized machine available that specializes in Bingo that you could buy on the boat for $40. This huge black machine lets you play 6 games at once but you only look at one game at a time. There are buttons on it where you can scroll through your 6 cards, go to your recent "best card," and some other functions that I couldn't get a close enough look to see. When the Bingo caller says a number, those people just type it in to the machine and the Bingo machine does the rest of the work. Now am I the only sane person left that thinks that the fun in Bingo is hearing the number called then looking at your cards in anticipation hoping you have the number? When you use the machine, your lazy ass can just punch in the number, sit back and just let the machine do all the work.

Now me having the small 3 game, non-machine Bingo card, I knew I was doomed. I was like Rocky going up against Ivan Drago in Rocky IV...actually that doesn't make sense because Rocky actually won. The games went so fast, I had no shot of winning, and the fun of Bingo just wasn't there.

So there you have it, between the high priced Bingo cards and the new Bingo technology, we see just how far our civilization has come. I only played twice during the week, figured I'd spend my money on adult beverages rather than get destroyed in Bingo by 5 year olds using a Bingo machine. It was a depressing moment yet an educational one, but I'm done with Bingo until the machines are gone.

What is a Cruise?

2005-01-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

A lot of people who are anticipating some cruise stories are asking me, what really goes on during a cruise so for today's post, I'm going to explain what cruising is all about before I put up some stories. Take notes.

By now I've been on somewhere around 10 cruises and consider myself to be somewhat of a cruise connoisseur. So I was thinking to myself today, "Gary...how can you sum up what a cruise is all about?" because in my mind, cruises are the best vacation out there and so hard to put into words.

That being said, three words eventually crossed my mind which come pretty close to describing a cruise:

1. Eating
2. Drinking
3. Eating

Let me try and accurately break down all three. The first of course is eating. From the moment you wake up till sometimes half-way through sleeping, there is food in your mouth. You can't help it, there's just food everywhere. In the dining rooms, at the pool, in the casino, around the deck, room service late night...everywhere. Now you're probably thinking, "Just because there's food everywhere doesn't mean I have to eat it." To that, I will tell you that you have no idea what you're up against. The food is usually pretty good and more importantly, included in the price of your cruise. So if you're not eating all the time, you almost feel like you're losing money. So you eat and eat until you can't take it anymore...then take a 15 minute break before going back for more.

So what can occupy you when you're full?? Adult beverages of course. You're in the sun, laying by the pool, full and getting over last night's hangover so pretty much the only logical thing to do is drink. It is truly amazing how much alcohol you can consume in one day when you're having fun, it's hot out, and there's not much else to do. Here's the interesting part. On cruise boats, you are giving a card which is the key to your room as well as a charge card since there is no cash exchanged on the boat except in the casino. So any time you want a drink, you give them your card, sign a receipt and that's it. So you really never have any idea how much you're spending a night. So basically, imagine a guilt-free drinking night where you can never use cash, have no clue how much you are spending, and will never get cut-off ever. The possibilities are endless and between the partying and dancing all night, the room tabs get pretty high and your liver gets pretty upset. I'm stressing the drinking today so when I talk about my drinking stories tomorrow, there is no confussion.

And the third activity on the cruise is...eating again. I don't think I can stress enough how much you actually eat. Of the 7 nights of the cruise in which I drank myself stupid every single one (See point #2), I ordered room service somewhere between 3 and 4 in the morning several times, only to wake up nice and early to catch my first breakfast of the day. I'd guess the average weight gain per person on a cruise has to be somewhere around 5 pounds, and that's being generously low.

So that's my plug for cruise vacations. This will be considered the New Years / Vacation week so check back tomorrow for some stories from this cruise. And by popular demand, expect to see one of the funniest cruise stories ever posted on the site this Thursday. It involves peeing on people so don't miss that one.

Follow-up to New Year Resolutions

2005-01-03T23:56:00.000-05:00

I have some late night unfortunate news to report. If you do not handle bad news well, please do not read on.

On my first Monday back in the office, I got plenty of great feedback on today's post regarding setting very low goals as New Year resolutions. If you read the routine below, you'd know that one of the three resolutions I set was using an umbrella when it rains in 2005. Well, it's official that I suck at being pathetic. I did not bring an umbrella to work and of course, it started raining before I left to go home and yes, I did get caught in the rain. So for the record, 2005 Resolutions begin on January 4 for me. I'm sorry if I let any of you down.

Actually what's funny to add on to that is while I was walking home in the rain, both of my shoes came untied at different times during my walk home so I sucked at that as well. But I did order dinner at work so at least I didn't cook for myself. So three days into the New Year, I've already failed at 2 of my 3 resolutions set. Maybe I should set the goals even lower like waking up and remembering to wear pants in the morning. If I do that however, I'm nervous I'll screw that up and go to work late without pants on. Lets just stick with these three and hope I do better starting tomorrow.

Some New Year Advice

2005-01-03T08:10:00.000-05:00

What’s a New Year’s resolution for? As long as I can remember, I’ve set some high goals heading into the new year. However, I’ve only been kidding myself if I believed that I’d actually go through with it. Whether it be going to the gym, eating better, not drinking so much…it doesn’t matter, I usually give up after a few weeks tops.

That’s why this year, I’m going to lower my expectations and make some resolutions that I can actually attain. Some I have in mind are tying my shoe laces properly on the first try, not cooking myself dinner, or using an umbrella when it rains. This way, when I reach these simple resolutions, I can be proud and feel like this year was a complete success. By February, I’m going to be the best damn shoelace tier out there. I swear that come June, I will have ordered-in or gone out for every meal through that date. And when it rains, 20% of the time, I’m going to try and remember to carry an umbrella. Forget losing weight and working harder. Stick with my plan, reach your goals, and feel better in 2005.

And as promised, some interesting stories and observations from my vacation are coming this week so check back tomorrow. Happy New Year and enjoy the first working day for 2005.

Well Needed Vacation

2004-12-25T09:00:00.000-05:00

I have good news and bad news for the rapidly growing reading base of the G-Man News-Stand. I'm on vacation on a cruise for a week which means that I won't be making any new posts until the Monday that I'm back, January 3. That would be the bad news...for the readers I guess. On the good news front, look at it in two perspectives.

1. Gary gets some much needed sun and relaxation, which is good news for Gary. Throw in the many drunken nights followed by hungover afternoons at the poolside , bloated, while thinking about eating my 4th meal of the day and it is just what the doctor ordered for a Gary vacation.

2. With a family cruise, I'm bound to come across plenty of "A" material which I will write down and post, as soon as I sober up. That's good news for the readers since the bits will be new and fresh.

Thanks for a great first week of the Stand. The hits on the site are way above what I expected. Once I get back, we'll kick this site into second gear. We have a lot of great ideas coming and it should be funny and interesting to see how it all plays out. For the meanwhile, catch up on the archives of posts you haven't read yet and have a great New Year. The G-Man News-Stand is back in business in 2005.

Love Those Productive Days Off

2004-12-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

I don't celebrate Christmas, I'm not really sure what it's all about, I'm not seeing my family today...but if I get a day off of work for it, then I'll be as festive as anyone out there.

The question that is on everyone's minds is, what do you do with your free day? Now I'm the kind of guy who is always looking to be as productive as possible. As soon as I wake up, all of the ideas start burning through my skull. Maybe I'll go visit a Museum, and do lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a while. Then I'll hit the gym, go shopping, and call my parents. I can clean the apartment, maybe replace that light that's been out for 5 and a half weeks. By the end of the thought process, I'm finding time in my day to perform some experiments with plutonium.

Here's where the downfall begins. At first, all of these activities seemed like they could be useful, fun, important, whatever. After I think about them all, while lying in bed of course, it starts feeling like all of these activities are going to involve a lot of effort. So you do the most logical thing at the time...close your eyes and sleep until 1 in the afternoon. Now, you've scratched the majority of the daily activities and going into the shower seems like the biggest hastle ever. You order delivery for a late lunch, end up passing on the shower (using the excuse that you'll do it before you go out that night), and somehow relocate to your couch to watch tv. Once lunch is over, it hits you hard around 3:30pm...you have done nothing today and have not left the apartment yet.

Whoever is reading this right now and is embarrassed that this description is you, don't worry. I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. Go ahead, be lazy. Take pride in it. It is the people like you who can do nothing for the entire day and not feel bad about it who should be praised, for that is a much more difficult achievement than being productive all day.

So Close to Vacation

2004-12-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

Remeber everyone...only half days of work today. Be strong. Here's a pointless blurb that should get you in the holiday spirit.

Last night I was working late and the janitors starting cleaning around me in the office. A smell caught my attention and I followed it to a man mopping a floor. I watched as he mopped up that fairly dirty floor, dunk the mop back in the bucket and then repeat the routine again. Am I the only person who thinks that the old mop n' bucket routine is outdated. That mop smelled so bad, I couldn't concentrate. ..yet as bad as it smelled, I couldn't walk away. And what good is pushing water around the floor with a dirty mop when the water is filthy from touching the mop? A word to the wise for those of you who like to stay late at work and then lick the floor for whatever reason...don't do it. Mopping does not help. You've been lied to your entire life!

Off the topic but equally disturbing and still having to do with a mop and bucket, when I pledged a fraternity back in college, during our "hell week" all of my pledge brothers had to submerge our heads in a mop bucket filled with ice and the mop still in it. Sure it was nice and refreshing (if you're into the whole frostbite on the face kind of thing) but I remember it being pretty nasty. Now obviously I understand that people are not meant to stick there heads in mop buckets, however I find it slightly ironic that a cleaning device, filled with water and cleaning chemicals, makes me 80 times more dirty than before I dipped my head in.

A disclaimer to the children readers, please do not dip your head into a dirty mop bucket with ice in it. There are better things to do with you time, even after a few adult beverages. However, there are worse things you could be doing as well so I guess it is worth giving it a try sometime.

This post officially had no point. It's almost vacation, cut me some slack. Great comments on the posts yesterday, we had more than double than we've ever had. Also, thanks to all the new readers for coming. This is day 4 of the daily postings and yesterday, we reached 100 site hits on the day. Keep on coming.

Elevator Madness

2004-12-22T09:40:00.000-05:00

I feel that I am a fairly understanding and tolerable guy. However when it comes to elevators, I lose my temper pretty quick. I can probably ramble on about the multiple issues I have with elevator behavior but for now, two things stand out that I want to discuss.

I am not the most in shape person in the world. I'm relatively lazy, especially when I'm at work. I hate exercise unless I have to. That being said, if I am going up or down one floor, as a courtesy to others, I use the stairs. Why are there people, who look normal and appear sane on the outside, that use the elevator for one flight? I am in an office building with 35 floors. These people who are getting on and only going up one flight are killing me. I recommend having security or police in the elevators to arrest these criminals. In actuality, it probably only slows me down around 45 seconds of my day, but still, there's a ton I could do with those 45 seconds...stretch, drink a cup of water, tie my shoe (assuming I don't screw up the first time)...The possibilities are endless.

Another elevator problem that bothers me are the people that dive at the last second to stop the door from closing to get on the elevator. Like this is officially the last elevator of the day and if you miss this one, you might as well go home because you're not going up today. I do have some respect for these people however. They throw their limbs into the doorway, risking being crushed by the elevator doors and ending their lives instantly just to get on. Along with that respect comes anger, because it is these people who barely make the elevator who pick the lowest floor available to the despair of all of the current passengers. Why does this phenomenon occur? I have no idea, but it always seems to work out that way. If they know they're going on the lowest floor, why risk ultimate death to get on that elevator, make everyone wait, and then add another local stop to the trip up top. Unbelievable.

Just a little clarification the daily readers. The morning posts will be made by 10am at the latest, more likely around 9:30. Also, I encourage everyone to post comments, I will try to respond to as many as I can. If you want to email any of the posts to a friend, there is now a little envelope link on every article, very easy to use. Enjoy.

It’s All About the Roses

2004-12-21T17:30:00.000-05:00

VS.

This bowl season is filled with more fun games to watch than I’ve seen in the past few years. Some of the more interesting are:

Oklahoma St. vs. Ohio St.
Boise St. vs. Louisville
Miami vs. Florida
Georgia vs. Wisconsin
Michigan vs. Texas
USC vs. Oklahoma

Besides the National Champion Game of USC vs. Oklahoma, one game stands out in my mind as the game to watch this season. The Rose Bowl hosts the Big Ten’s Michigan Wolverines and the #5 team in the country, the Texas Longhorns from the Big 12. These are two very strong and athletic teams filled with NFL talent and the game should not disappoint.

When the Bowl selections were coming out, I was hoping the Texas would get the Rose Bowl nod over California. I had a chance to watch both teams and despite identical records and completely different schedules, Texas stood out as a stronger squad. Cedric Benson is my top RB in the country after Adrian Peterson. He had the 4th most yards per game on the year and was the difference maker in most of the Texas victories. Sophomore QB Vince Young is going to be a collegiate star very soon and this year we saw him come into his own. He was very poised in the pocket, his arm strength seemed to improve, and his running ability makes him lethal. Derrick Johnson is the best line backer in the country and he will wreak havoc on the young Michigan backfield.

Speaking of which, Michigan is led by two freshmen, QB Chad Henne and RB Mike Hart. Both had excellent rookie seasons and will keep Michigan a contender for the next few years. It doesn’t hurt that Henne has WR Braylon Edwards to throw to, my projected top WR in the NFL draft this coming year. The Michigan defense is very athletic and their offensive line is so unbelievable, I think that I could run for 100 yards per game (and I’m 5’6”, 160).

Both schools have a long history of winning and tradition and will put on a great battle. My prediction is that it will be a close first half and then Texas will show their experience in the second half to win the game. I had a chance to attend a UT game on November 8 this year in Austin against Oklahoma St. OSU was ranked at the time and Texas needed the win to have a shot at a BCS game. The Longhorns fell behind 35-7 in the first half and the season looked like it was over. Texas then orchestrated the best comeback I have ever seen, scoring 49 unanswered points to win the game 56-35. After watching Texas fight back and play the most flawless half I’ve ever witnessed, I cannot pick against them. They showed leadership and a passion to win that is very rare and I think that win, along with their final game victory over Texas A&M, will carry over to the Rose Bowl. Michigan on the other hand just lost to arch-rival Ohio State and will be deflated and flat heading into the January 1 game.

Gary's Prediction: Look for Texas led by Benson, Vince Young, and Derrick Johnson to beat the Wolverines and win their first Rose Bowl in school history.

Some Sound Advice

2004-12-21T09:17:00.000-05:00

I've had a recent revelation and as a good Samaritan, I'd like to share it with my readers. Now although this may be geared as advice for guys, pay attention ladies because you can provide your men with some excellent suggestions when the time is right.

For those of you who have never entered a men's bathroom, there are usually urinals and stalls. The urinals are often divided into the tall urinals and the not so tall urinals. Now I am no giant, standing straight at an unimpressive 5'6", however, even if I was 7'0" tall or Godzilla, I'd still choose the lower urinal, especially when wearing khaki colored pants.

Now maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself. The main issue here is the "urinal splash-back" where the urine bounces off the urinal walls, thereby hitting the pants and making the guy look like he just pee'd himself. Now I've been there, and that excuse of "...Oh, the sink was out of control..." Just isn't working anymore. People know that you're peeing on your leg.

Now if you use the lower urinal, the highest the splashback can get is your knee. Not only will that be tough to spot by passer-bys, but now you're in the excuse range of spilling coffee and dropping food on your leg. Anyone will buy that excuse which is huge.

Trust me on this one, it's all about the smaller urinal.

These postings will be daily for now on and will be mixed with some interest observations, thoughts, sports, and whatever else I come up with. When I write them, I'm just typing and not too much thought is put in them so don't mind the spelling errors and lack of any humor what-so-ever.

Feel free to post comments or email me and let me know what you think. Also, send you email to get included in any updates to the site.

I look forward to entertaining everyone.

Case of the Mondays News and Notes

2004-12-20T14:57:00.000-05:00

Why is it so damn cold in NYC? Once it gets below 40 degrees, my major addiction to weather.com kicks in once again. The high for today is 17...that's pretty cold in my book. If it was a Wednesday and this cold, I probably wouldn't be so frustrated but on Monday, anything less than 78 and sunny is unacceptable, even if it is December. Now according to my trusty weather site, we're looking at the 50s by Wednesday. What the hell is going on? Maybe people finally started listening to my campaigning to bring back global warming. We had everything going for us when we destroyed the ozone and nobody realized it. Short winters that didn't get too cold, hot and long summers, great hair spray...now we are screwed for fixing the ozone. It's so damn cold for so long, I hate environmentalists.

I actually went out to Long Island on Sunday to do one of the dumbest things imaginable...go shopping a week before Christmas. Now as a Jew, holiday shopping very rarely crosses my mind. I am going on a vacation in a week and desperately needed some clothes before heading into more sunny pastures. What I did not expect was the opening fighting scene from Gangs of New York occurring in the Roosevelt Field Shopping Mall. People were clawing their way through the stores, attacking randoms that got in their way. Children were screaming and crying, some hostages were taken, and worst of all, my left shoe came untied and the traffic was moving so fast that I couldn't stop to tie it up. Maybe it wasn't that ridiculous, but still a challenge to get anything done. Two things went through my mind the entire shopping experience:

1. Why don't these idiots just shop in advance
2. I must be the dumbest person alive to go to the mall today

It was shitty but I mostly got what I needed and didn't walk away with too many severe injuries...and yes, I did get a chance to tie my shoe eventually.

Quarterback Controversy?

2004-12-17T16:07:00.000-05:00

You’re a top quarterback recruit in the country. Offers are piling in from everywhere. Travel is not a deterrent. Your main objective is to play in the NFL one day. The question is, which Conference should be considered to develop into the best NFL-ready quarterback?

There is a huge misconception by analysts on which Conferences are the best for NFL QB hopefuls. Watching the games on Saturday, it would appear that the best quarterbacks play in the south. SEC games are extremely high scoring, fast paced games centered around the QB. Similarly, The Big 12 has high scoring matchups and great television exposure for QBs. Both conferences have national championship contenders year in and out. On the other side, the Big Ten is often labeled as a running oriented conference due to the smash-mouth style of football played. The games are slow paced where defense and controlling the clock wins games. The Pac-10 is the unknown conference with very little east-coast exposure. Recruits are concerned that by playing for a west coast team, the NFL scouts will not take notice of great performance. Then there are the rest: MAC, Conference USA, Big East, Independents, and so on.

After compiling the data of all of the starting quarterbacks in the NFL and what school they attended, the results were interesting and surprising. Bear in mind that I factored into consideration schools switching conferences by giving credit to the Conference which had the school at the time the quarterback played there.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLConference llllllllllll2004 QB Starters

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPac 10LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL6
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLBig TenLLLLLLLL.LLLLLLLl5
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLBig EastLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLl4
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLMAC LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL3
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSECLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL3
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLWACLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLlLL3
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLACCLLLLLLLLLl.LlLLLLlLLL1
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLConf USALLLLLLLLLL=L.Ll1
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIndependentLLLLLLLLLLlLl1
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSun BeltLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL1
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOtherLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLlLL4

Prior to looking up the schools I predicted that the Pac-10 would have the most starters. All the other results were confusing and intriguing.

The most interesting stat I saw was that there are no Big 12 starters in the NFL right now. How could the most competitive football conference in the college football landscape not produce one 2004 NFL starter? More confusing is the fact that the SEC and other Florida schools combined only have 3 starters, and two of them are named Manning. There must be something that analysts and football fans are missing here. Let me break the leaders and see what common trends there are.

The Pac-10 of late has been a breeding ground for QB talent. The starters right now from the conference are very young and talented and more are on their way to the NFL in the next year or so. Heisman winner Carson Palmer (USC), Kyle Boller (Cal), Drew Bledsoe (Wash St.), Jake Plummer (Zona St.), Joey Harrington (Oregon), and AJ Feeley (Oregon) all played in the Pac-10. With the exception of Feeley, all started in the NFL in their first or second season of entering the league. Don’t forget that Tommy Maddox and Chad Hutchinson were starters last season, also Pac-10 alumni. This year or in 2006, another Heisman winner, Matt Leinart of USC, and Aaron Rodgers of Cal will be drafted and starting. The Pac 10 is the most overlooked and impressive conference for quarterbacks in the country, hands down. These results were expected and the conference keeps moving in the right direction.

The Big Ten having five starters was a surprise as well: Trent Green (Indiana), Kerry Collins (Penn St.), Tom Brady (Michigan), Drew Brees (Purdue), and Brian Griese (Michigan). Sometime next year, Drew Henson of Michigan should get the start for Dallas and Kyle Orton of Purdue will get drafted this year.

What separates these two conferences from the rest of the nation? Big 10 football games are low scoring and defensive focused, which is why I was so surprised they were on top of the list. After analyzing the results, I started realizing that so much of controlling the ball in the Big 10 and Pac-10 for that matter revolves around converting on 3rd downs. The Big 10 / Pac-10 QBs know how to make the plays when it counts, are used to playing against tough defensives, and are mentally prepared to play in the NFL. In addition, all Big 10 schools play in cold weather climates, which is a huge adjustment for southern players. The Pac-10 has to play games in Oregon and Washington, also cold weather games, yet not as bad as the Big 10. The NFL season goes through January, meaning that if a player has limited experience in cold-weather situations, you can expect adjustment problems. Ricky Williams who played for Texas always struggled on the road in December and January because of the weather. When is the last time Peyton Manning won in New England? Weather is a huge and overlooked factor and the fact that all Big 10 teams play in cold weather areas can only help. So despite being labeled as defensive and RB-type conferences, these might be the best place to prepare for the NFL.

So what does this all mean? With more Big Ten and Pac-10 starters on the way, it is pretty safe to say that these conferences are the best at preparing QBs for the NFL. Obviously, weather and mental toughness is not the answer for starting in the NFL. Top to bottom, the coaches in these two conferences are superb, the facilities are outstanding, and the tough competition is unmatched. There are no guaranteed wins in the Big Ten or Pac-10, even Indiana wins a few games here and there. After next year’s draft, the Big 10 and Pac-10 alumni QBs will encompass over a third of the entire NFL. Pretty amazing considering those two conferences are only 20 schools out of the hundreds in the nation. I guess the NFL scouts clearly do not have East-Coast bias, for the true talent is in the Midwest and the West-Coast.

Stop the Bowl Game Bashing

2004-12-06T18:00:00.000-05:00

Monday December 6 marks the first day of about a month straight that we're going to have knocking the BCS and Bowl games. For those of you who have actually sat down and spoken to me about it, I've stood by my views consistently through the years and I'm not about to change now: I am for Bowl Games and would like to go back to the system prior to the BCS.

Before the comments come back ripping me apart, let me state for the record that if there was a play-offs, I would love the games and would watch every one. I will assume that if we did have a playoff system of a hypothetical 8 games, we could no longer have automatic bids for conference champions. It would be the top 8 teams according to the rankings or polls. According to the final BCS rankings, we would see brackets looking like:

1 vs. 8 USC vs. Virginia Tech

4 vs. 5 Texas vs. California

3 vs. 6 Auburn vs. Utah

2 vs. 7 Oklahoma vs. Georgia

These would be great games, and we would have an undisputed tournament champion. That being said, let me explain what I do not like about these games. Firstly, look at the conference breakdown. We have 2 Pac-10, 2 Big 12, 2 SEC, 1 ACC, 1 Mountain West. Three of the 8 teams did not win their Conference. Louisville, who had one loss all season to Miami, is not invited. Undefeated Boise State is not in. There are no representatives from the Big 10, Big East, or MAC. Now I won't kid myself and say that every year a MAC or Big East team deserves to play in one of these games, but a Big 10 team who has finished on top of a strong conference should have the opportunity to play in these games, like Michigan, Wisconsin, and Iowa who all had two losses this season, same as Georgia and VT who were invited. Basically, there will always be controversy over who should be invited to the playoffs and there will always be an Auburn or Cal who is left out.

Secondly, look more closely at the match-ups and the second round possibilities. Lets say first round, USC, Cal, Auburn, and Georgia all win. That means in the semi-finals, we'll see a repeat of USC-Cal and Auburn-Georgia. Why should a team who has already won in the "regular" season have to play a second time. That means that USC in this scenario would have to sweep Cal to get to the championship game while Cal just has to win one out of two to play for the championship. We always hear that teams should "settle it on the field." Well guess what? They did already, and USC and Auburn were victorious earlier in the year.

Despite the fact that I have many other argument points, I want to highlight one final issue. What about everyone else? This 8 team playoff would take 7 "Bowl Games" to complete. That steals away post-season games for 6 teams. Now I speak for the little people since I am an alumni of Indiana University, a continual losing football program. Every year, I'm just praying that we can somehow squander 6 wins so we can be Bowl eligible and go to a game. I am well aware that we are not a National Championship Contender, there are only 7 teams annually who are. But I know that if we get 6 wins and go to a Bowl Game, that's my Championship Game, be it the Rose Bowl or the Mastercard Alamo Bowl. Indiana would have a chance to play on National television and represent our University, students, and alumni in a one-game championship.

I'm actually against the BCS Championship Game for the same reason I am against the playoffs. I do not feel that we need one National Champion. This is not professional sports and with 117 1-A schools, I find it hard to believe that we can distinguish who the "Best" team is. I say let the Indiana's out there have their day. Give us our Championship Game, a.k.a. any of the 28 Bowl Games.

Email Gary

Movie Review - I think I'm a Leo Fan

2004-12-06T17:02:00.000-05:00

That's right, I said it. I think I officially like Leonardo DiCaprio's movies. After being blown away by the Movie "Gangs of New York" a few years ago, I decided to give Leo another shot to dazzle me by watching the movie Catch Me If You Can. Once again, I am impressed. The movie was fun, exciting, went quick, and had a great story line. It's not going to enter my top 10 listed below, but it was very entertaining.

It looks like I might have to check out Aviator and see if Leo can pull off the 3-peat.

Gary's Top 10 Movies - As of 12/6/04

1. Pulp Fiction
2. The Shawshank Redemption
3. Goodfellas
4. Jurassic Park
5. Gangs of New York
6. The Usual Suspects
7. Snatch
8. Zoolander
9. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
10. The Matrix Trilogy

Dinardo Firing Questionable

2004-12-04T22:11:00.000-05:00

This article was published on December 2, 2004 by the Indiana Daily Student
http://www.idsnews.com/story.php?id=26566

An abbreviated version was published on December 5, 2004 by the Indianapolis Star
http://www.indystar.com/articles/1/199954-1051-036.html

Yesterday afternoon when I discovered that Ty Willingham was fired as the head football coach at Notre Dame, I was surprised and disappointed at the decision makers at the University. Building a strong football program takes time, and three years with your predecessor's recruits is not sufficient time to judge a coach's tenure. However, because of all of the talk radio and articles published recently, I had a sense of pride in the IU football program, for it was not making the same mistake that these other schools are currently making. As a regular losing-record program, we understand that to rebuild and win, you need several things: A coach who is dedicated to sticking with the program and not using the school as a stepping stone to another job, players who believe in the coach's vision for the future and an administration willing to wait for the slow process to take form.

Less than 24 hours later, my sense of pride in the IU Athletic Department had plummeted. Gerry DiNardo has officially been fired as head coach of IU football. I am shocked and frustrated at this decision, and I can only hope that the school has a game plan for the future of the program. In my opinion, if there aren't any better options for head coach available who would realistically relocate to a continuously rebuilding program, don't fire a dedicated and hard-working coach.

At least Notre Dame has the name to attract almost any coach in the country that it wants. In addition, it has the money and desire to compete for a national championship every year. Indiana is a basketball school that desperately needs the money that comes from selling football tickets and going to bowl games. Football programs generate the money necessary to fund the majority of the athletics department. With dwindling attendance for Indiana home football games, IU is in trouble. Remember, Assembly Hall, which sells out every basketball game, only seats in the 19,000s. Memorial Stadium, the enigma of a football stadium, holds about 52,000. IU cannot afford to pay a high-priced salary to a well known football coach. More importantly, any coach that comes to Indiana understands these three things:

1. Basketball comes first
2. Indiana is the third best team in the state (behind Purdue and ND)
3. Basketball comes first

So what did DiNardo do wrong? The reports are claiming that the reason for his early firing is due to his 8-27 record over his three seasons and the low attendance. What is not being reported is how he did not have a complete 85-player roster until his third season. Additionally, his 2005 recruiting class was being named the best IU class in years, and IU still had 12 scholarships to give. Indiana will be fortunate to keep half of the recruits who have verbally agreed so far. The 2005 season will mirror 2002 -- an undermanned team, few high-caliber recruits, low attendance and, most importantly, another losing record with no bowl game. In three years, it is more likely than not that we will be exactly where we are now, sitting with a coach who has rebuilt the program in the hot seat because we haven't seen immediate strides. It takes baby steps to build a program and, most importantly, time. I hope I am wrong and a savior comes along and turns our football team into a contender. I just hope enough people remember where the football stadium is by the time that day comes around.