Coffee Addict

I’ve never done crack, heroin, acid, or PCP. However, I’m pretty confident that I could go head-to-head against anyone addicted to those drugs. What’s my addiction? Coffee. I fall victim to the precious coffee bean like the rest of the working world. I’m weak and worthless without it, strong and confident with it.

There are a few readers out there that have never tried coffee for just this reason. Once you start drinking, there’s no turning back. It begins with one innocent cup, maybe you have a tough deadline ahead of you and need to stay up late. Or perhaps you anticipate a long meeting coming up and feel compelled to get some caffeine before heading in. Then that one taste turns into a morning routine. Before you know it you’re drinking 3 cups a day, memorized the menu at Starbucks, and you know the difference between caramel macchiato and half caf, skinny, zebra cafe mocha. Which brings me to another point, ordering at these coffee shops is like speaking an entire new language. Now I personally do not speak fluent Coffee House, but I’ll tell you this much, I wouldn’t trust someone who can with my kids. They’re dangerous, that’s all I know.

Then there’s that day that you’re running late and you didn’t have time to get some coffee. That’s when the striking similarities between a coffee drinker and crackhead start to show. You get the shakes, your vision gets blurry, the headaches start to pound against your skull, your speech patterns adjust, and so on. Chances are you’d probably scare away a crack addict with your behavior. You get verbally abusive and violent, attacking anyone in your path. “Do you want some breakfast?” your co-worker might ask. “NO!” you scream, “LEAVE ME ALONE, I HATE YOU.” It’s unpredictable, rash, and insane.

Not until you get that first cup of the day can you finally go back to the normal person you once were. As the warm fluid touches your lips, you feel the relaxation kicking in. The calm, the serenity...the magic. You can once again have open dialogue with people without screaming. All your worries and fears from just 5 minutes ago are gone. You have found your Utopia.

So to the coffee drinkers out there, let me say that you’re not alone. To those of you who are contemplating trying their first cup, come over to the dark side.