Cell Dangers

If there’s one thing I can’t leave my apartment with every morning, it’s definitely my cell phone. If I forget my keys, my doorman can let me in later. Forgot my money? I’ll stop at an ATM later. Not wearing any pants? I’ll buy some new ones on the way. But the day you leave without your cell phone, all hell breaks loose. The panic settles in immediately, fear overtakes your body. You feel naked and alone, lost in a jungle with no way out. I know that I am so dependent on my cell phone that if it broke down or I lost it, I might as well jump out a window because I’m worthless. The cell phone is in my opinion the best technological development of all time. But sometimes you just have to look past the convenience of a technological advancement to see the harm it is actually doing to people.

What harm am I talking about? Let me tell you a little something about Gary in the mid to late 90s. Prior to my cell phone days I knew everyone’s phone number. I didn’t even need a write down numbers in a phone book because I had it all stored upstairs. I was like the Rainman, I can tell you your phone number, your neighbors phone number, your phone number if you lived in 3 counties over, your cousin’s phone number, a homeless person’s phone number backwards…everything. For fun, I’d study the yellow pages so I knew every Nassau County number by heart. In 1996, I was the runner-up in the New York State amateur phone number guessing competition. For the record, I lost in a heated match against a 15 year old who was doping and his name was released in Canseco’s book. But once I got a cell phone, an interesting trend developed. Rather than jam another 10 digits in my head, I’d type the number into my phone, just to see what would happen.

Before I knew it, all of my numbers were stored in my cell. I stopped memorizing all numbers, deleted the numbers formerly in my head by drinking massive quantities of beer, and became completely dependent on my phone. It wasn’t until my first cell phone crash till I realized how screwed I really was. Now fast forward a few years to the present. I have completely lost the ability to memorize any number whatsoever. I can barely remember my age, what year it is, how tall I am, my apartment address, everything. The cell phone has destroyed my memorizing abilities and I am forever ruined because of it.

A second harm that I would quickly like to write about is the harm it can do to other people. Now many of you won’t believe me but I’m going to fill you in on the real reason why you can’t use a cell phone on an airplane. The story they want you to believe is that it interferes with the plane equipment and signals. The truth is that when a plane is flying at such high altitudes, using a cell phone can make someone’s head explode one out of five times. The cell signal combined with the air pressure cause people’s heads to literally combust and blow up. If you think I’m kidding, try making a cell phone call next time you’re in the air. Before you can finish your conversation, the pilot will get on the intercom and scream, “Who is using a cell phone?!? The co-pilots head just exploded!!” Now if that isn’t harmful, I don’t know what is.
So I have no memory of numbers and the next time I take a flight somewhere, my head may burst. Many of you will argue that I can’t remember anything because I drink way too much. To that I have no comment, but I’m sticking to blaming it on t