Move It Along

I’ve heard it be termed as a sanctuary, their office, shop, confession, and other ridiculous terms. Supposedly, going to the bathroom is a time for thought and reflection. I know people read Newspapers in the bathroom, talk on their cell phone, play games on their handheld devices, and other activities to just “get away” from it all. You feel safe while sitting in the most defenseless position possible and no one can bother you. I however am not one who subscribes to these beliefs.

I know many people who look forward to their bathroom experiences and plan their day around it. They save up a Newspaper to read, schedule phone calls around it, book 25 minutes in their planners, and so on. My roommate, The Angriest Man Alive, has a routine where he comes home from work, strips down to his boxers and a T-Shirt, and then attacks the bathroom with a new magazine for at least a half-hour. I may be alone on this but I am not a big fan of going to the bathroom to do a number two. I’m usually pretty busy and don’t have time to sit for 30 minutes on the toilette to read a paper. It amazes me why people feel the need to sit around after doing their “business” (which can be accomplished in the first 3 minutes) just to continue reading or to be alone. Mind you that there is literally a piece of feces sitting below gaining smell momentum. Aren’t there more clean environments to finish reading that article? I’m an in and out guy and that’s what I want to encourage to the masses.

By conducting interviews and doing extensive research on what people would classify as their “dream bathroom,” I’ve come up with a few common trends that the masses generally want to see in the stalls. Many subjects want a magazine rack with new magazines and newspapers, a television, phone on the wall, handicap bars, etc. Don’t people realize that all of these things just make your bathroom experience longer? I just don’t see the purpose. Firstly, I do not think I want to read a magazine or newspaper after it’s been touched by 30 strangers using the toilette earlier that day. Just doesn’t seem too sanitary. As far as the phone or a television goes, why can’t you just watch tv or call people after going to the bathroom? I know it’s an outrageous idea but ponder it for a second, it makes sense. And the handicap bars…I’m not really sure why that goes into a dream bathroom but I guess they look pretty cool and serves some purpose that I’m not aware of. I’ll agree to keep those in.

Let me tell you what I want to see in the bathroom. Since I like to be fairly efficient, lets put something in the stall that can help you kill two birds with one stone, is not very fun, and will help move people in and out so lines don’t build up. Lets install a small, face-sized mirror to the wall. Right below the mirror, we can have a dispenser of dental floss. No one likes to floss but it is important and when’s a better time to do it than when you’re just sitting around doing “nothing.” By the time you finish flossing, you’ll probably be done relieving yourself, tired from that intensive work flossing requires, and ready to move on.

Rather than continue to rant on bathroom behavior, I want to ask something that I do not understand. It’s possible that I’m just slow but maybe others are having similar problems as me. Now for the record, I prefer to lay toilette paper down on the seat rather than use those pre-made seat covers. Why? Because I don’t understand the covers. If they come in the horseshoe-shape then I get the general idea, no problem. However, more often I’ll come across the full circle toilette seat covers. I’m never sure if you’re just supposed to lay the whole thing down or rip out your own section before laying it down. Then sometimes you get the circle-style toilette seat covers with the middle section still in there. Do you leave that middle part attached to act as some kind of mechanism for easy entry or do you rip that off too? It’s so confusing and when you’re in a race against the clock to use the bathroom, these are not questions you want to ponder. Plus, I’m a business guy, not an arts-ann-crafts specialist. Either give me something that makes sense and works without effort or get those covers out of there.

So to conclude, let me give some advice for the kids out there. While you’re young, don’t get into a habit of reading or wasting time in the bathroom. Before you know it, 45 minutes of your day is allocated to an activity which can take a roundtrip total of 4 minutes. Learn from me.