Starting Early

It’s been a long week, you’ve been working hard and late, and Friday has finally approached us. Since you’ve had your eye on going out all week, you feel a sense of excitement and anticipation. All that hard work and dedication does not go unrewarded tonight when you begin your evening and start drinking a few adult beverages. I’ve been thinking about Friday happy hour since Tuesday afternoon and I’m pumped to go out drinking with some friends. Despite being excited for hitting the bars on a Friday afternoon, a vision has crept into my mind which makes me more than a little nervous. What is the vision you ask? It’s a picture of myself, after drinking more than a few adult beverages, piss-drunk and blacked out, eating late night McDonalds. I’m nervous that I might have a small problem.

I’ve actually done some homework by looking through some medical research manuals and found out that the proper terminology for this type of behavior is “Preemptive Shitfaced.” Sorry for the language but that is what the scientists and doctors are calling it. I have had many a days viewing myself getting wasted hours before going out and I think I am subject to this condition. But the question I’m asking myself and the readers out there should as well is, “does this mean I have a drinking problem?”

After minutes and minutes of pondering, I determined that I do not have a drinking problem. Alcoholism can be identified by spotting a few indicators. Try to apply these to yourself and see if you have a problem if you just get Preemptive Shitfaced. Firstly, do you drink alone? I have never come home after a long days work and drank my own vat of liquor. I’ll actually rarely have a beer alone. That being said, if I invite one person over, that makes it fair game to get out the funnel (beer bong for you Midwesterners), line up the shots, and start going to town. Do you drink everyday? I refuse to drink on Sundays and sometimes even Mondays. I know people out there who would attach an IV of vodka to their body on a Monday night if it was sociably acceptable; those are the people with problems. Finally, do you replace dinner with a liquid meal? Well, I won’t lie to the readers out there; I do drink many of my meals on the weekend and especially Friday nights. Looking ahead to this Friday night, I already know that I’m starting at a happy hour and there’s a 95% I won’t be eating dinner. Now I know what everyone’s thinking, “Gary, there’s a lot of vitamins, nutrients, and protein in beer. Plus, isn’t lite beer on the Atkins diet?” I hear your cries but rumor has it that it’s not great for you to replace meals with beer. And if you think a loophole is having a fruity drink to get your vitamins, I’ve looked into it and I don’t think it works. Kids, eat your food and vegetables, it’s good for you.

So one out of three isn’t too bad and it’s official that I do not have a drinking problem. I just enjoy spending quality time, drinking a couple beverages with good company. Anyone out there who is already Preemptive Shitfaced, I feel you and start counting down the hours. Have a good weekend, especially those of you getting off for President’s Day.