Pets

Throughout my childhood, I’ve always had a pet or two to keep me company. I had three dogs in my lifetime when I was living on Long Island, Pepper, Butch, and Cookie. They were fun company and were wonderful animals with the exception of Butch who was legitimately insane. Since I went to college I have not had any pets and now that I’m living in Manhattan, I don’t anticipate starting. Having a dog in the city must be the worst experience ever. For all of you Midwesterners and non-New Yorkers out there, you need to understand that there is literally no grass in the majority of Manhattan. That means that if a dog urinates or takes a #2, you have to clean up after it. Also, NYC apartments are relatively small and the dog has nowhere to run around all day. It’s not an ideal place for a pet, however I understand why people have them.

In New York, there is one reason and one reason only to have a dog and that is to meet people. It is such a pain in the ass to maintain a pet in New York, but everyone knows that if you walk a dog around Manhattan, within the first 5 minutes someone will stop to pet your dog. This is a proven fact and works without fail. There are people in NY who will walk their dog around 14 times a day for the chance of meeting a new girl. The dog loves it because it’s not in the cramped apartment all day and the guy loves it because he’s guaranteed to meet someone. Guys are willing to pick up the poop of a dog with a smile on his face just for this opportunity.

Gary on the other hand is not big on handling feces, taking care of pets, or feeding them. There are times when I’m too lazy to get off the couch to feed myself, let alone a living animal. Plus, what can a dog really do for me? I have plenty of best friends, and dogs can’t clean, talk, or fix things. I want a pet that’s really going to pitch in with cleaning, cooking, and other chores around the apartment. Luckily, I’ve put plenty of thought into this and have limited my options down to two possible pets, one slightly more controversial than the other. The two “animals” I would like to have living in the city is either a small monkey or an Oompa Loompa.

Monkeys are just as adorable as dogs and can help out around the house. I’m sure you can train them to clean, maybe do some light cooking. When you walk a monkey you know the girls would love it and give you plenty of attention, plus they can probably feed themselves. More importantly, monkeys are known to enjoy throwing their feces around. Why not teach it to throw their feces in a NYC trashbin? The benefits here are immeasurable.

The major drawback I see is that the efficiency and effectiveness of the monkey are pretty much limited to simple tasks and as far as I’m aware, they can’t talk. That’s why Oompa Loompas would probably make the best pets. I’ve heard that the Oompa Loompa population has been steadily growing over the past 3 years in the jungles of Santiago, Chile. You can order them online and they come within 4 business days in a big box. I’ve heard that Oompa Loompas are gourmet chefs, can be potty trained within a week or two, and don’t make too much noise. Something that might become irritating after a while is that the Oompa Loompas communicate through song, so getting a straight answer out of them can be challenging. However, they’re known to ponder many deep thoughts while they’re singing to you which can be interesting. I think all Oompa Loompas are training in philosophy or something like that. Now I’m not sure that females would be too impressed while you’re walking your Oompa Loompa on a leash since they’re not too attractive and are kind of freaky looking. However, your Oompa Loompa can serve as a great golf caddie if you get one who is tall enough, so it makes up for it in other ways.

So there you have it, a monkey or Oompa Loompa is the Manhattan pet that I am looking to get. All the other animals out there just don’t do it for me. Good luck finding something more useful around the house and is easier to take care of.