Airplane Wars

I am a fairly frequent flyer and probably am on a plane averaging about once a month. I've flown all around the country as well as several flights throughout Europe. No matter what airline I fly, how long the flight, or what language the flight attendants speak, I go through the same struggles and drama every time.

I try to make it a point to reserve either an isle or a window seat so I can avoid sitting next to more than one person. Now don't get me wrong, I love meeting new people and chatting with random strangers, nothing excites me more. That being said, the extremely close confines of an airplane seat make the act of sitting next to someone a very intimate moment. 99% of the times, romantic sparks are not erupting when I sit down next to the strange, large, business man in seat 27B and being that close to stranger is just not an experience that I appreciate.

The key when you first sit down is establishing position. If you lose that armrest in the first five minutes, consider the flight a waste. I've done extensive studies and the results are clear, without the armrest it is impossible to get comfortable in an airplane seat. The obvious exceptions are if you are allergic to pineapple or enjoy sailing, but how many of us fit into one of those categories? Now I've been preoccupied after sitting down and have forgotten about fighting for the armrest. That's when I usually start the jabbing method. Just slight elbow nudges usually make the person feel so uncomfortable that they may eventually yield you either a portion of the armrest or even the whole thing. If they starting elbowing you back you need to a make a crucial decision to either fight or flee. There's no shame in backing off the battle if you're on a short flight. But if you're going three hours or more, I suggest you prepare for war and win the glory of the armrest. Be warned though, armrest battles can quickly become heated. If you're meeting someone important when you land, it's probably not a great idea to have a broken nose or black eye so pick your battles appropriately.

Something that drives me insane is when people lean back in their seat. As I mentioned above, it is near impossible to get comfortable in an airplane seat. I will add to that by saying that assuming that your seat does not have 180 degree capabilities, the slight lean you can get is no more comfortable than just sitting up straight. We all know that it's not comfortable to do the lean, so why make people like me miserable by taking a chunk of my minimal space away? I will concede that there is a possibility that I am way too considerate of others to put my seat back. In addition, they give you the lean feature so people can use it; it's not there for show. But losing all of my space is killing me. Once the person in front of me leans back, I have to resort to sitting in the fetal position. How is that possible? I have no idea, but somehow I pretzel my body to fit between the small leg space I have left. My first reaction is to kick the seat in front of me with my knee but from experience I know that a leaner will never budge. You're helpless, similar to being an animal trapped in a cage. Throw in the person next to you taking their shoes off and you might as well jump out of the plane. Your chance of survival may be higher.

There are other issues I have with airplanes that perhaps I'll touch on some other time such as the lack of food served, the loud airplane bathroom flush noise, and taking off your shoes to go through security. Until that day, welcome back to the Gman News-stand.